I have made a choice today.. No whining or complaining for the whole day. It is time for me to start putting some emphasis on the positive!
I really have so much good going on at the moment, it is easy to loose track of that in the face of some of the less pleasant things. A few months ago I did this gratitude project with my friend Dawn and I found it very up lifting; Dawn is on to a new project now check it out at http://www.acomplaintfreeworld.org. I find it very inspirational if a bit daunting, which is why I have decided to start with this baby step.
I am often concerned about my own tendency to focus on the negative. I worry that it makes me a bummer to be around and that is not the person I want to be. I don’t aim to NEVER whine, complain, vent or bemoan again, I just want to do it less!
I have discovered that I have an historical precedent for being bitchy on August 30th! Last year on the 30th I SNAPPED at work and fired someone for the first time. Now in fairness that person REALLY had it coming and anyone else would have fired him LONG before me. He was an AWFUL employee but I still felt like a terrible person afterwards. But I guess that says something about me, I have a heart and I don’t just go around trashing people with no remorse.
So I am making it official. August 30th shall hence forth be “Meggy’s a Bitch Day”. I am marking it on the calendar for next year and everything! I won’t do out of my way to be mean or awful to anyone but I will accept, nay, I will celebrate that sometimes in life you have to be a bitch. You have to stand up for yourself, for what you believe in, for those you love. You have to have a back bone. You have to make tough choices and live with the consequences of your actions.
“Sometimes you have to be a bitch to get things done.” ~ Madonna
First thing I did this morning was check my email, this is pretty typical of me and I am sure of most people these days, our smart devices are never too far away. Anyway this morning I checked my mail and there was something there that caught my attention. It was a message from a person I have recently cut out of my life. If you have previously followed me on “the queen of everything” may have read my account of breaking up with someone who I was not romantically involved with. It has not been the easiest thing in the whole world and I have certainly had some guilt over it but I have felt sure of my decision and have stuck to my guns and maintained my silence. Of course I have talked to people about my feelings and why I finally made the choice I did; and of course I blogged about it. To the best of my knowledge this person has not historically followed my blog but I should have guessed at what would happen when I wrote about the demise of our relationship if it were a tv show I would have been able to see the plot twist from the first scene. Of course she read the blog post, of course she was hurt which was honestly not my intention but I can not help but feel a bit guilty today. Which sucks! She claims that I humiliated her although I did not name her. If you can figure out who I am talking about than you don’t need to read the blog to know what is going on. Anyway I think I lost my point here a little bit and so forgive me if my thoughts seem disjointed, I am just trying to sort how I feel.
Any time a relationship ends there is going to be a bad guy, this time it is me and truthfully once the discomfort of guilt passes I don’t care. I can be the bad guy, I am okay with that. It is going to take a while for her to stop popping up in my thoughts, there are lots of reminders of her around my house, some I will keep but most I will get rid of because there is truly nothing from the relationship I want to hang on to. I don’t want the resentment, I don’t want the hostility and I I don’t want the guilt either. I wish that we could have just grown apart and slipped away from each other but that is not what happened so I am going to own my actions and just keep moving. The relationship was toxic and frankly it was no good for her either, not that I am playing that card but she should have people in her life who want to be there not who feel stuck and obligated. There are lessons to be learned here and for me I have to learn to be okay with being the bad guy sometimes and I have to learn to live life more honestly. If I had been honest with myself and with her this relationship would have been over years ago and maybe it would easier on everyone. Live and learn.
I am sitting in the living room by an open window and a soft evening breeze is cooling me nicely. There is the barest sniff of autumn creeping in the air. I don’t mind at all, I love the cool nights. I can pretend that winter is further off than it is. Both dogs are sleeping at my feet and one of the cats is curled up in the other window, also enjoying the evening air. Other than the glow of my screen the 4 of us are in darkness. That is the drawn back to the end of summer, dark before 8:30, but with a glorious post tropical storm sunset. The air feels so much cleaner than it did 48 hours ago. I am grateful for that. In the dining room my iPod is playing lowly, almost like it is singing to it’s self, a totally random selection this evening, if anyone else could hear it they would think I have lost my mind, christmas tunes, old school country and some hip hop thrown in for good measure. No wonder I feel so weird tonight.
Every kid on the street is out there tonight, playing in the dark, flying up and down the street on their bikes. My friend David always shakes his head and says “Cul de sac kids” when he see’s them. It’s his way of expressing his horror at their apparent lack of fear of motor vehicles. There is something almost frantic about their play tonight, they can sense their free time is coming to a swift end, this time next week they will be packing lunches and laying out school clothes, they need to jam as much fun into these last few days as they can. I get it. I feel that way pretty much long weekend, every holiday.
Anyway I had this quiet time tonight and I thought that rather than turn on a show and tuning out I might has the quiet, cool darkness with you. I hope where ever you are in the world you have a moment like this to stop and rest and think.
Peace out homes!
I am at work despite feeling like I have been hit by an 18 wheeler filled with snot. This is what it means to be a responsible adult… It sucks! But half the office is down and out with the same bug so I will only complain quietly and to you. Gil, being a kind and excellent husband, is running to the pharmacy to procure for me more snot rags. Another grown up decision, I am too sick to drive myself anywhere, also the cold meds make me a little fuzzy around the edges so… The last thing I need after the incident on Friday is to ACTUALLY be the cause of an accident. Speaking of which the man is coming today to take a picture of my bumper and I shall be vindicated!
So I just want to blow through this week as quickly and easily as possible, which seems pretty unlikely with the cold from hell and both regular month end as well as fiscal year end. Fun times, but at the end I shall be rewarded in the time honored tradition of the working class … Labor Day!! I have a particular love of this holiday because it has always meant time to spend with friends, BBQing and geeking. Better still there are no huge meals to prepare, no gifts to buy and very few ways to offend my family. Win, win, win!
Sitting in bed with this miserable cold, watching Netflix and waiting to see what damage hurricane Irene will bring. I am usually on high alert for big storms but today I just can’t muster the energy to worry. This rare summer cold has seriously kicked my ass. I don’t intend on whining too much but it hard being sick in this heat and humidity. It makes me understand better the saying ‘under the weather’. The sky outside is a funny colour I can tell the storm is getting closer because there are no bird sounds at all. They have all run off to the safety of home. They are so smart those birds. Gil has brought in anything that could be dangerous in the wind including my chimes which in the wind would likely keep the neighborhood awake! The last big storm we lost a shutter on the house so it looks like the house had a stroke or is being coy and winking at everyone who walks by. Maybe Irene will give us a matching set. I can hear the fog horn a little further down the coast wailing mournfully, it is such a sad sound. I only really hate it when I am trying to sleep.
For now I am off to have foggy half sleep dreams and crazy thoughts induced my cold meds.
So you yesterday I was in my first “fender bender”. I have only had my license for two month and I know that I am not the best driver yet. I know I am going to make mistakes and learn from them. But the thing is I did not do what the other driver said I did.
Here is how it went down. Was in a pretty tight parking space at lunch time, outside a pizza joint in Burnside. I had very little room on either side of me so I was backing straight out. The problem was the directly behind me in the NO PARKING zone was a courier truck. I won’t name the company but it rhymes to idiotolator. When I backed up, very slowly, I felt my back bumper touch the truck so I pulled directly forward again. The driver came around from the back side of the truck and glared at me so I got out. I said “oh I am sorry I bumped you!” and then he freaked out at me and pointed to a gash on the side of his truck and said “You did THAT!”
I KNEW that my back bumper could not have done this, I only tapped him very lightly with the middle of my bumper, but the guy was freaking out at me and demanding my name and insurance info and I was upset and a little frightened so I gave him my info. Of course when I asked for his he flat out ignored me. I asked him a second time and he behaved as if I had not even spoken. By then I was damn near hysterical and I called my husband who thankfully works very near by. As soon as I got of the phone with Gil the man tossed me back my insurance info and barked at me that I would be hearing from his head office. Then he drove off as quick as he could. Thank goodness I had the presence of mind to take these pictures and his truck #.
A few things that I should tell you at this point. There is not a scratch, dent or fleck of paint on my own bumper. NOTHING I looked very carefully. There is some dirt and some dead bugs but other than that it is pristine. If my car had done THAT ^ there would be a mark on my car. Also I drive a Mazda 5 with a big round fat ass bumper. What ever made THAT^ scratch was sharp. It took the paint right down to the metal. Like I said, that would have left a mark. But perhaps most importantly, I am not an asshole. If I thought for a SECOND that I did this I would own it. It would suck and it would cost be big time but I would not shirk my responsibility.
Anyway I don’t even know what the company is going to do about it but I called my insurance company as quick as you can say “rate hike” and gave them a full account of what happened. They are going to send someone over on Monday to take some pictures of my bumper and the adjuster will be able to look at it and say “that did not cause this damage.” and I will be vindicated. After that I am going to call the company that rhymes with stinkolator and tell them I want an apology from the driver for his abysmal behavior towards me.