I won’t lie to you folks, when my husband flies I am a mess. Truly I can’t handle it, I am a spaz. As frightened as I am when I fly it us twice as bad when Gil goes alone. I hold my breath right up until the moment that I get the text telling me that he has landed safely. I know that it is silly but there is mo logic in fear, but he is my heart… My heart.
Anyway it was a long morning waiting for that first text, Halifax to TO complete, now it’s time to prepare for the longer leg, TO to Frt. Mac, I am glad I have so many other things to keep my brain busy today. It is month end so I have a pile of work to do, you don’t even want to see the stack of paperwork waiting on my desk to be filed. Yeeesh! On top of that there is a silly vibe in the air today because it is Halloween. I had a client ask me over the phone what I was wearing. I had to bite my cheek to stop from saying something totally inappropriate. 😉
I also have NaNoWriMo on the brain, it starts tomorrow and I am full of excitement and self doubt. I hope I have the same kind of great experience I had last year.
So I was planning on starting my Christmas cookies today but I wanted to give one of my new recipes a trial run first and boy doggies am I glad I did. They taste fine but they did NOT turn out pretty like the pictures… I am not giving away ugly cookies.
Off to a good start! I have all the ingredients BEFORE I started.
The batter looks awesome!
Still looking good.
But they came out like THIS!
But they are supposed to look like THIS!
I won’t lie, that was HARD! It was FRUSTRATING! But it was also a success. There were several times in the day I questioned my motivation and my dedication but those moments passed and I accomplished my goal. I feel good about that. Of course the early morning was the easiest because I was up by myself for a few hours and I don’t HAVE to talk to myself out loud, although I do… frequently. The zoo animals also don’t need me to talk as long as I give them food and snuggles. Then Gil woke up and again it wasn’t so bad because he has done this a few times now and we have can communicate fairly well by gesture. That was until he pissed me off and I couldn’t express myself…. much to his delight. We decided to head out for breakfast even though it was going to be a challenge, and while we were out we had to hit the grocery store. Thanks to the wonder of my iPod I ordered breakfast without incident and we noticed that the waitress didn’t come to offer us a coffee refill every 30 seconds like she usually does, maybe she thought I had something contagious, I don’t care it was nice not to have to wave her off every time I took a bite of food. But it was a very quiet meal. I always forget how much of the talking I do in this marriage. The grocery store was fine too and thanks to technology again I was able to get some cash back without having to mime it to the cashier. A stop at my sisters house to drop off some thing was made easier by keeping her in the loop the day before and much to my delight Brooky was there for a visit and she’s not much of a talker either so my silence didn’t bother her a bit. I had a headache for a large part of the day which added to my frustration at the times I had something I wanted to communicate but couldn’t. That being the case I indulged in a two hour nap in the middle of the day which was a rare treat.
I also cooked, cleaned and read a whole book start to finish. Here’s a tip for you, reading a book from the point of view of a person with dementia is difficult to process at the best of times. Doing it in a day, when you are not talking out loud that is just asking to be freaked out.
Around 9pm I was starting to get really really flustered. I had my 14 year old nephew asking me a tonne of questions that could not be answered with simple gesturing and even what I considered to be easy gestures he couldn’t or wouldn’t get. I love this kid dearly but I am telling you he is NOT going to make his fortune in life playing charades. I wasn’t tired enough to go to bed and I had already been for a quick stroll around the mall so I did the only other thing I could think of, I grabbed my car keys and drivers license and I drove… for an hour and a half. I did allow myself to listen to music because I didn’t want to risk getting tired and nodding off or falling victim to road hypnosis. The drive was good although I was scared at points, I am still not that comfortable with night driving and I was worried about people out at Halloween parties who might be drinking and driving (yes I worry too much about things that are out of my control) and at one point I did get hopelessly lost but I found myself again so I think that is a good lesson. I got some good thinking done and by the time I got home I was exhausted and ready for bed. I turned in for the night feeling like I had really accomplished something which is a good feeling.
The next step in the project is a whole weekend, that is the last step and I am sure it will be the most difficult. Truthfully at the moment I am not looking forward to it. But I am going to do it because I want to finish what I started. It would be easier though if I could just go away to a cottage in the woods and be totally alone for 48 hours. Maybe….
My husband will be getting the silent treatment tomorrow but don’t worry it’s not personal, I am giving everyone the same. If you are unfamiliar with my silence project you can read a little more about it here, here or here.
I anticipate that 24 hours is going to be a lot more challenging than my previous endeavors so I am trying to do some mental prep work. When you talk all day for a living a break from speech and other people is very welcome.
That is one of the reasons why I have started doing a self imposed time out on weekdays when I get home from work. So often I would get home from work and jump into whatever task I deemed important but would end up getting frazzled and cranky because it was unorganized and I was still in work mode. I decided I needed a change. So now when I get home I take the puppies out for a pee (unless of course my awesome hubby volunteers to do it) and then I head up to the bedroom kick out the cats close the door and then have 30 mins just for me. Sometimes I just lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling, sometimes I read my email or check out Facebook. Sometimes I watch an episode of My Name is Earl. But what ever I do it is totally on my own, no pets, no husband, no guests. The best part is that it really works, when I come back downstairs I feel relaxed and happy and ready to move into phase two of the day.
I don’t really know what that has to do with my silence project, but it does serve to illustrate that in order to love and appreciate the world sometimes I have to pull my self away from it for a while. Being alone, being isolated, figuring things out on my own these are things that both terrify and excite me. It used to just scare me, straight up terror, having never done it, fear of the unknown is the worst!
Strangely enough it was meeting Gil that made the alone less scary and more like an adventure. Because he travels for work I have had to learn a few things about being by myself. When he went to Prince George for 5 days and ended up staying for 37 I had a serious crash course in “alone” but I am not sure I really LEARNED anything other than you can’t leave a 911 dispatch console until it is 100% debugged.
But in late 2005, early 2006 Gil started doing some serious traveling, in fact when we moved into the apartment on Hawthorne street Gil was away more than he was home. Poor guy came back to a brand new apartment and didn’t even know where to find the glasses or where I kept the toilet paper. That was when I really started to grow into being on my own. Though I still relied heavily on him for running around on the weekends (damn why didn’t I get my drivers license sooner?) I was doing much better at home on my own. I finally started to feel like a grown up. These days I look forward to his trips away with a mixture of excitement and dread. I still don’t like sleeping in the house all alone, I am not ashamed to tell you it scares me. I have a very over active imagination and alone in the dark it gets the better of me. One the other hand I love eating foods Gil does’t eat (spaghetti or toast & tea), I love sleeping in the middle of the bed ( the baseball bat takes up MUCH less room than Gilly). And I get more done when he is gone, not that he prevents me from doing stuff, just that need to keep myself busy so I spend more time on projects.
Ok once again I have veered totally off subject but how much can I say about saying nothing at all?
There are a few things on my mind this morning.
First off … What is with all the damn litter I am seeing these days??! People come on!!! Don’t you remember when you were a kid and we started learning about how bad litterbugs are? I do, that’s a lesson that really stuck with me. I may not be the greenest person around, I know i could do better but litter is one of those things that has really stuck in my craw.
Not only is litter an ugly eyesore. It also has many negative impacts on the world around us. It is health hazard, attracting vermin and acting as a breeding ground for all sorts of nasty bacteria. It can harm or even kill wild life (I am getting all weepy just thinking of the turtle and the shopping bag, but I love you peeps so I am not posting the picture.) Litter chokes and pollutes waterways and creates fire hazards. Not to mention the tax dollars that are spent cleaning it up.
I don’t want to get all preachy because, like I said, I know I could do better myself in the being green department however I think we can all agree that throwing our trash on the ground is just WRONG!
I remember being out with Brianna when she was a preschooler and picking up some trash on the side walk and explaining to her that it is everyone’s responsibility even if we didn’t make the mess. My little diva thought that it was gross but it made sense, but not making a mess in the first place made even more sense. Children are so smart.
Wow, now that I have that off my chest I can’t remember what else I wanted to talk about. 🙂
So I understand that my opinion might not always be popular, politically correct or make me new friends which is why often times I just shut up and play nice. But last night I was
moved incensed to say something and of course I regretted it almost immediately but now that it is out there I might as well own it.
Let me start by saying that I believe in protest and demonstration as a legitimate form of voice dissent and discontent about the dominant social paradigm. But honestly there is something about the Occupancy of Grand Parade that just really rubs me the wrong way. In the interest of full disclosed I have not gone over to the site and talked to any of the protesters in person so I am forming an opinion based on only partial information. But until last night my problem was not really the people involved as much as it was ideological. I want to know if an equal number of homeless people decided to occupy Grand Parade would we still see such generous donations of food and cash? It great that they have received enough rice, pasta, pita bread, hummus and salad too keep their bellies full for the last 9 day (info from today’s Metro) wouldn’t that food have done MORE good in the bellies of the hungry and poor? You know, the people this protest is aimed at helping. When I see down town businesses saying the the protest has been good for sales it makes me question how altruistic their donations are. Would they still be sending food and medical supplies if it were a micro community of “bums”, addicts and the mentally ill? I believe that there would still be some people there to help because I KNOW there are some people who genuinely are invested in this cause but I think those people are in the minority. I think think faced with a town square populated by the genuinely down trodden most people would find a sudden interest in another subject; and those business enjoying the increase in foot traffic would be lobbying the mayors office to do something about the “problem”.
Maybe I am wrong, maybe people are better than I give them credit for. I would like that to be true, but I don’t think so.
Well I guess fall us really here. It is cold and dark in the morning and I just don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t feel sad I just feel tired.
I really have to start getting to sleep earlier, more importantly I have to stop whining about it and DO IT.
I might also be a bit pms-y so feel free to ignore all of this LOL.
I think I need to refocus my energy so that I am too busy to notice how dark and damp it is out side. NaNoWriMo will take a big chunck of my time and energy which is one reason I like it so much. But I think that I need to look back to my list of 16 things to see how I am progressing.
Not to bad, I did pick up a few things, now if only they were clean. *sigh*
2. fat free milk @ Starbucks …
Did you know that fat free milk has MORE lactose than it’s 1 or 2% counterparts? Neither did I! My poor tummy. I think I might try soy milk next.
3. Computer room closet…
Big fat zero, but Gil is in Alberta next week so that might be the best time to tackle that.
4. Learn to cook risotto…
I have the special rice and a recipe, a good step in the right direction.
5. New kitchen hardware…
Oh what a palaver! this could be a post all on it’s own… So I think it might be … Stay tuned!
6. Paint guest bedroom…
Zip! Although I do have a reminder in my thumb powered device to pick up paint this weekend.
7. Create morning routine …
You already know the answer to this.
8. Find a doctor…
Woooo! Officially of the list.
9. Use reusable grocery bags…
Actually I have been really good here. I have at least one with me most of the time and I make a point to grab a bunch whenever I know groceries are on the agenda.
10. Cook at home… More.
We are doing better, not great but better.
11. Less time on facebook…
12. Finish Silence Project…
I have dates picked for both parts left to finish. In fact I am doing 24 hours on Saturday!
Umm, yeah I suck.
14. Create chore sched. …
Does asking my sister to do it count?
15. Yoga class…
Oh dear I swear I am getting back THIS week.
16. Blog once a week…
Well I am doing well there. Aren’t you glad?