Ahhh March, the 12 in 12 that wasn’t! I had great intentions but have to confess the month was an utter failure. I wrote some letters and they were good ones but I don’t think I managed more than 10 all month. March was SUPER busy at work but that is just an excuse, I could have squeezed writing in every day but the truth is I just found it hard. I would sit down to write and nothing would come out. It was a total case of writers block. It sounds lame but a good letter really isn’t something that you can force. I am going to keep going down the list I made of people I want to write to. It might take me until Christmas but I will get through the list.
With April, and hopefully good weather, are just around the corner and so my next 12 for 12 is going to get my ass moving! A walk a day for me, rain or shine at least half an hour but more is better, much better. Don’t worry I’ll keep you in the loop!
It is pretty early on a Sunday morning for me to be awake. Usually I let my sweetie take care of the dogs on Sunday so I can grab an extra hour or or two of shut eye. But this morning I had an awful dream and I decided that I would rather be awake and distracted than laying in bed thinking about that dream; or worse going back into it.
This particular dream was about the wife of a boy I dated 20+ years ago, not at all seriously although because I was 16 at the time it was very serious to me for about 6 months, which was 4 months longer than the relationship BTW. In the golden age of Facebook this boy and I have reconnected and it has been nice to see what he has been up to, look at the pictures, talk about music. But that is it. I have never met his wife but she is gorgeous and seems sweet and every comment I ever read of hers on facebook cracks me up so I think she would be a person I would really like and get along with. So why does my dreaming brain have her trying to murder me?
The truth of the matter is that I have developed a complex about these things. Wives of my exes really just don’t like me. Which I guess is normal… but.. okay
One has every right to really dislike me. I was really not nice to her once upon a time and that has been to my detriment because I think that if I had just been… not so crazy and also not a heinous bitch she and I might really have gotten along with her. But you can’t rewrite history and she doesn’t like me. I’m okay with that, I’ll take my lumps. But no other wives have any real reason to dislike me. A few years ago I had one wife write me an absolutely hateful email. Back then on facebook you had the option on facebook to say HOW you knew another person and my ex, who had been an ex for like TEN YEARS, wrote that we’d had a “thing” once upon a time. He wrote it, I got the hateful email AND we had to stop being “friends” on Facebook; which was really the worst part of all. Why is that the worst part? Because I can honestly say I don’t have an ex that I hate. I don’t have an ex that isn’t basically a decent guy that it didn’t work out with. I don’t think a lot of people can say that. But I honestly believe that ex’s can be friends to some degree as long as you didn’t do anything to awful to each other. But I take that a step further, I think you can be friends with your spouses ex as well. In fact I know it because I am friends with MANY my husband’s exes. I am not threatened by their presence in our life. Those past relationships help form us, they make us the people we are now, we learned from mistakes made. Those are good things. I don’t care if my husband talks to a girl he used to have a relationship with on Facebook because I am secure in our marriage; I trust my husband, my marriage and I trust that none of those girls are out there plotting to get him back, catch though he is. I can also happily report I am not hatching any nefarious plots of my own. First and foremost because I adore my husband, he is truly my very best friend and the light of my life. I don’t believe in soul mates but if I did I would say he is mine. I wouldn’t give him up for ANYTHING. But secondly I also believe that exes are exes for a reason and I don’t WANT any of them back as sweet as they are. What I want for them is happiness. Which is what we should want for all our fellow human beings. I want them to be happy in their marriages, happy with the careers, happy with their lives. SO today to extinguish the smoldering feeling of ick my murderous dream left me with I am sending out a heap of love and light into the universe. I am sending it out to all my exes and their exes too. I am sending out to their husbands, wives and partners. I am sending it out to their families, their children, hell I am even sending it out to their pets.
We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~Anaïs Nin
So I was in the car this morning and I had forgotten my iPod at home so I was listening to the radio, flipping through channels. I landed on Kool FM and they were playing an old Casey Kasem top 40 show from the 80’s, this one was from 1988. I was bopping to Belinda Carlisle “I get weak” and then Casey launched into one of his sappy letters. And WOH! Out of the blue I had this massive slap in the face. See in 1988 I was 13 years old, recently in care and more to the point had recently found out that my “dad” wasn’t actually my biological father. It took me about 1.48 seconds to development my daddy fantasy. My REAL dad was out there somewhere, looking for me, missing me. He was perfect in every way and as soon as we found each other everything would be better, everything would be FIXED. The letter that Casey was reading was by a young woman who didn’t know her father, but obviously had dreams that he was out there somewhere looking for her too. The song she requested was ‘Somewhere out There’. It was awful because I had written that same letter, requested that some song at least half a dozen times that year. I had to turn the song off after the first bar. It might be a sweet, hopeful song to other people for for me it is smacks of the bitterness of disappointment. I eventually got my wish, I got to meet my biological father which taught me many many things but chiefly “Be careful what you wish for”. I hope it turned out better for the girl on the radio.
I have been DYING to get my hands episodes of Ally McBeal for years so imagine my absolute delight when season one showed up for me at Christmas followed a month or so later by season two. I devoured both of them and loved every second. I am so pleased to tell you that it totally holds up. Often times I remember things a lot better than they were and am disappointed when I see them again. I actually laughed out loud so much my sides hurt, I cried and I got mad and would have thrown a remote if I had one. It was awesome.
But I did notice that something was …. different. Something that I could not put my finger on. Then tonight as I was watching the season two finally I realized what it was… It was me!
When I watched Ally the first time I was 24. Looking back at 24 I feel a stab of pain deep in my heart. I was in such pain back then. I watched Ally and she was this neurotic, emotional, sloppy and broken… like me. And like Ally I had a Billy who had me turned inside out and upside down. She was a professional, almost thirty and I was comforted that there was this character out there who was so flawed… like me.
Now at 37 … it’s different. I am so different. I am still neurotic and emotionally sloppy but in a much more reserved way. I still have hurts and unfulfilled dreams but they are shadows that I blast aside with the light of my shiny wonderful life. Life didn’t go where I thought it was going to go at 24 and thank god for that. I look at Ally now and I think she is funny and she pulls at my heart strings but I also feel like she is so young and so naive and she can’t see that things not ending up how she wants them will be the best thing that ever happened to her. My shadows may be able to relate to her but my bright bright light is happy to say that she is no longer the character who out there who makes me feel understood. Amen to that!
So it is has been a week of diligent letter writing and so far I have noticed two things…
1. My hand writing is awful!
2. Writing letters to my 6 teenage nephews was the hardest thing ever! I wanted to tell them how much love them but not make them all … well you know, uncomfortable and weirded out over my overt displays of affection. All six of them are so cool and funny and smart, not to mention handsome. But try telling them that without seeing their eyes roll up in their heads. 🙂
So February wasn’t a 100% success but we still did pretty dang good. I am proud that we made the effort and we will continue to try and eat at home on a more regular basis, trying new recipes. We did save some money and we used up lots of our freezer stores. We also made more meals together and ate at the table more. All told a success, plus I still continue to take my meds every day! Woot
For March I decided to change things up a little bit and do something a little more personal. I want to write a card/note/letter/post card to someone different, that I love, every day and actually mail them.
I want to take time to appreciate the people that I love and at the same give some time to the lost art of letter writing.
We are on day 4, so far so good.