Monthly Archives: April 2013

Updates from the comfy sofa…

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I haven’t had much to say this past week. Nothing about meatless Monday. I didn’t care about trying something new on Tuesday. I had no interest in looking for Wisdom on Wednesday. Thursday passed my by with no inclination to be thankful. But tonight I thought that maybe I would feel better if I talked about what was on my mind. That’s how these things work right? Feel bad, bottle it up, vent on the internet? Yeah, that is how it’s done!

So I mentioned a while back that my boss, who I am very fond of, was ‘restructured’ with no fanfare and no fidelity. That was the beginning of a spiral for me. The mad hunt for new employment before the branch implodes and we are all laid off; watching my coworkers work through worry and fear and anger. Applying for job after job after job, getting some rejections, getting an interview, getting hopes up, getting nothing…

Then came watching a coworker come to grips with making the difficult choice to take long term medical leave and in all likelihood not come back.  In two weeks we have lost as many people. That might not be a lot in a large office but to go from a party of six to a party of four is a BIG difference.

All these things compounded, weighing me down. It sent my mojo packing. I haven’t had the energy or desire to do … well pretty much anything.   I haven’t been enthusiastic about going for a run, when I have gone out I have been performing poorly.  I have been eating crap comfort food and it has shown on the scale, up nearly 2 lbs.

But this weekend I managed to pull my head out of my hind quarter, at least for the time being. I ran, I yogad, I dodged some balls. I drank some wine, I spent time with friends and I cleaned my house. Things aren’t perfect at the moment and that is OKAY.  I am sure that it will get better soon. The job for me is out there and in the mean time,while the branch is still afloat I have Maxwell.  I have had my pity party and now it time to pick myself up and enjoy this awesome life I have been given.

Thankful Thursday – April 11th

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Tonight I have so much to be thankful for, i am rich with blessings.

Aimee’s safe arrival at her sisters

Smoked salmon

Coffee with Theresa

Unplanned visit with Sara and Jay

Awesome email from a friend who used to be my boss

Rattle & Hum

Major kitty snuggles from Angus

The support and kindness my husband offers me every day

The support and kindness from a community of friends who are truly invested in my well being

The candor and braveness of those standing up and telling their own stories

The returning of myself confidence, there is a job out there that is the perfect fit for me

My TARDIS blue shoes

Trying something new and getting it right

Trying something new, failing but trying again

Breakthrough  in my yoga practice

 

Wisdom for Wednesday – My own wisdom, such as it is

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The following post may be as hard to read as it is to write so please be mindful of that as you read forward. This isn’t fiction, this my life.  

If you haven’t read about Rehtaeh Parsons already then please go here and read her story. It is so deeply painful, I am in knots every time Ieven see her name. It should be painful for everyone to read about what happened to this young lady, but for me it hits a spot that is just too deep and painfully close to home. 

I want to say right from the start that I am in NO WAY anti-police. In fact I am very pro-police. There are several members of my family, whom I love deeply, who are cops. I believe that police officers do their best in difficult circumstances. But I also believe that there are deep flaws in the system and that police officers are only human and some of them can drop the ball. I know because it happened to me….

At the end of the eighth grade I was a monster of a teenage girl. I was testing all my limits. I tried smoking, I tried drinking (peach schnapps, be still my heart), I was using some pretty colourful language, I skipped school for the first time, and I was boy crazy. I wasn’t easy, not by a stretch but that doesn’t excuse that happened to me. 

During a lunch break at school I stopped by the house of one of those boys I was so crazy about. He was there with a friend, a boy I knew, but was not crazy about,in fact I found him a little scary. Why did I go into the house? I don’t know, what goes on in the mind of 14 year old girl? I wanted the boy to like me, and everyone knows 14 year old girls are invincible, right?

I don’t know how it started, I don’t remember. Maybe it is suppressed or maybe  24 years has just taken a toll on the memory. It doesn’t matter how it started, I remember how it ended; me on my back in the living room while the boy I was sweet on held me down and his friend sexually assaulted me with his hand. I managed to free a leg and kicked the boy, that earned me a few particularly brutal punches in the face. To this day he is the only guy to ever punch me in the face, and I promise you he was also the last.

I don’t remember how long it lasted, it felt like forever but was likely less that ten minutes. When it was done I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t go home even though I was less than a block from my house; I was supposed to be in school, I was supposed to writing a French exam. I was scared that I was going to get in trouble; I was obviously deep in shock. So I walked back to the school. I don’t know what I planned to do, write the damned French exam I guess; I didn’t get the chance. Someone at the school had called my foster mother because I was late getting back, because I was missing the exam. She came to the school furious with me, expecting to find me doing some stupid, trouble making 14 year old girl thing. She knew as soon as she saw me that this was not the case. I can’t even imagine how I must have looked to her, whatever she had planned on this wasn’t it.  

We went home and she called the police to report what had happened to me. That’s what you do, that’s the process. She was told that I shouldn’t change my clothes or clean myself, if I could help it I shouldn’t even pee. The IWK was advised that I would be coming in for an examination.  So then I waited…

The police who arrived were members of the now defunct Dartmouth Police Department. They sent two male officers to interview a 14 year old girl. This, in my opinion was the first ball dropping. I know it was the 80’s and there weren’t as many ladies on the force back then but they must have had some female cop who could have come take a statement from a barely pubescent girl who has just been the victim of a violent sexual assault. 

What I remember most about sitting there with these two men is how belittled I felt, how victimized. I was scared, terrified really and starting to feel the physical effects of what had happened to me and I was sitting there being berated by men who seemed put out by having to bare witness to my ordeal. I wasn’t expecting to sit and hold hands and cry together, but I also wasn’t expecting to be treated like I was the one who did something wrong. 

In the end they turned to my foster mother and told her that they didn’t think it was worth it to press charges, it wasn’t worth it.  I was sitting there feeling filthy both physically and mentally, aching where I had been violated, face throbbing where I had been punched. My breasts were covered in purple welts from being grabbed by rough fingers and I hadn’t peed. I knew the names of the boys who had done this, I knew their phone numbers and where they lived but the police didn’t even go talk to them because it wasn’t worth it, I wasn’t worth it. 

I took so much away from that day but none of it was good. I never told anyone but my very best friend at the time. I pushed the events out of that day as far out of my mind as possible but my behavior went from bad to worse, much much worse.  Looking back on it I see a kid with PTSD dealing with it and the ensuing depression all alone. I carried the weight of that day for years. I carried it  with me it in 1997 when a “date” went very wrong and I was raped; when the police came that time I was the one who opted not to press charges, I was the one who deemed me not worth it. I carried it with me right up until today, I carried it in the form of a secret, until I read about a girl who killed herself after going through a similar anguish.

I am sorry Rehtaeh, I am sorry you were hurt so terribly. I am sorry you didn’t see justice for the heinous thing which was done to you. I am sorry that your peers were so cruel when what you needed was love and kindness and support. But most of all I am sorry you didn’t feel like you were worth it. This cannot be allowed to happen again, it just can’t. 

Summing up Sunday

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This week blew goats! I mean it, everything sucked. A lot!

I have talked about it a lot, so I might not have to say much more. I am lost a bit at the moment. This past week, maybe the next week. I am going to let myself be lost, I am going to feel the anxiety and depression and the angst. It is going to suck but that happens. I am going to land on my feet because that is what I do. And I am surrounded by people I love who are going to make sure that I don’t fall to far, too deep. 

Be patient with me, pretty please. 

Giving Thanks on Thursday

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I am sleepy tonight so I am not going to get all flowery… I have many things to be thankful for today… 

Puppy love

A great run

My running crew (Mad love for you Coach Family!)

A boss who really cares about what happens to me, I love you Mel

Cooking with Kian

Hot coffee.

Gifts in the mail from my SIL

Sunshine.

Vegetarian Pizza

Wind pants for running (brrr it’s still chilly out)

Drug busts on the high seas

The work comeuppance. 

 

Wisdom on Wednesday – Working for the man…

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I, like most people, have a job that I tolerate. I don`t love it, but it pays the bills. It is what it is. They thing that makes work not a total suckfest is is my boss. I had left Maxwell but came back because she asked me to, because I was going to get to work with her more closely. 

I have really enjoyed working with her these past few years. We have had so much fun together. Several times I have very strongly contemplated leaving, but in the end loyalty to my boss has always won. Not the company, my boss.

Every year around this time senior management has a fucking tizzy because sales bottom out in the new year. Welcome to the world of sales. It is the same EVERY YEAR.  But this year it has been a little harder, the economy sucks, there are a lot more competitors.It is harder. Head office came up with an answer, it is a pretty common on… restructuring.

Last week we were told our jobs are safe. Today two people from head office showed up unannounced, they went behind closed doors and half an hour later they left and in their hands they held the still beating heart of our office… my bosses job. 

I know that business is business but she gave that company 15 years and they gave her a day to pack up her office. “it nothing personal” they said, “just business.” 

Our jobs are still safe they say, I’ve heard that before. I have no faith in their words. And frankly I don’t want to work for a company that could behave with such caviler disregard for loyal employees.  My office is just a building without Melanie and there are other jobs out there. Loyalty is something valuable, it should be treasured. In the next few days I will sending out my resume all over the place. I don’t know where I am going, but I’m already gone. 

I take things like honor and loyalty seriously. It’s more important to me than any materialistic thing or any fame I could have.
Lloyd Banks 

Try Something New – With a Guest Chef!

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So today I had a little help in my kitchen. In fact, in order to help him develop his culinary skills my apprentice, my nephew Kian,  did the lions share of the work. 

I picked a recipe that would be appealing to a young man but with enough flexibility to be made “lite”.  We used ground turkey rather than beef and used low fat or fat free everything. 

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Easy ingredients list, most of which I usually have in my pantry 

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Teenage chef’s come equipped with cell phones 

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TA DA!

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Prep time was a little long, and the point count was a little high but it was yummy and very filling, I would make it again on a weekend when I had more time.

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A solid 4 stars! Thanks Kian!