Monthly Archives: October 2015

Day 303 – My two parents represent the single greatest influence on my life. And if my dad had been there for me, it would be the double greatest influence on my life.― Jarod Kintz,

Standard

jim

Four years ago today my father, Jim, died at age 72. I didn’t know about it. No one called, no one wrote, they wouldn’t know how to reach me even if they wanted to and trust me, they didn’t want to. When he died it had been a decade since the last time we saw each other, the last time we talked. A decade since I walked out declaring “I don’t need this shit!” then cried on Gil’s sofa for two solid days. Despite this, despite the fact that our relationship had always been fraught, always been brusque, when I found about his passing (a year later) I was deeply hurt. When he was alive there was always the promise of possibility. The relationship however broken still had the exiguous potential to be mended. Improbable I know, but I don’t think that daughters ever stop dreaming that some day they might be Daddy’s little girl; even when those daughters are 37 years old and Daddy is … Jim.

Death means that door is closed forever and I have to let go of my Disney fueled dream of a grand reunion.

Death means that the music for our closing credits isn’t going to be Linda Ronstadt & Jame Ingram singing Somewhere Out There but will remain always and forever Johnny Cash covering Trent Reznor’s Hurt.

Death takes any opportunity for an apology, his or mine, off the table, and trust me, we both had lot’s to apologize for.

So he is gone and I wasn’t there for him, like we were never there for each other and I feel his absence more now in his passing than I ever did when he was alive. But strangely, and perhaps irrationally,  I also feel much more at peace with him and closer to him. I find myself talking to him, as I have my mother in the 31 years she has been gone. I believe that somehow in death he has found the peace and comfort (and sobriety) he could never find when he was alive. I believe that despite our many failings as father and daughter that he loved me in his own way, that he would want what is best for me and that from his lofty perch in heaven he is looking out for me. I truly believe that all the anger and mistrust and crust gets shed with the mortal coil.

Tonight I lit a candle for him and I prayed, for myself, for lost opportunities, and for him because at the end of the day he was my father, he was also, someone’s friend, someones uncle, brother, cousin and once a upon a time before he was anything else he was someones sweet faced baby boy and I think it’s important we  remember that everyone used to be someone’s baby.

Advertisements

Week 42 – Here it comes again….

Standard

leaf

So I aside from some pictures I haven’t had much to say for a while.  Summer was insane and fun and busy and exhausting and though I have no regrets but it left me a really burned out. Of course out burn out quickly morphed into a little bit more as the days started getting darker and chillier.  I have talked before about my struggles with Seasonal Affective Disorder. It starts off almost noticeable, feeling a little tired, a little sluggish, maybe I am coming down with a cold?  Then comes the mood swings and the crying and I think oh maybe it’s PMS. Then by about Halloween I notice that I have been feeling this way for a few weeks, that the house work has piled up and that I have been hiding out on facebook and netflix. I notice that I spend more time by myself and declining social invitations. I actually consider myself to be very lucky because once I clue into what’s going on…. I know what’s going on.  I know what to expect, I know how I am going to feel and for how long. The good news is that I know the feeling will pass. I know that the worst is always late October and November. I know that fall and winter pass and then spring comes back.  I know that I have a husband and family and friends who will have my back when I have a hard time having my own.