Category Archives: on my mind

Yup… it’s dark.

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So yesterday I had myself a good ol’ fashioned melt down. It wasn’t pretty, I wasn’t proud but it was coming and today… well today is another day.

It had been brewing for a while. A few things happened leading up to melt-fest ’16.  I mentioned earlier in the month that I had so post traveling blues. Shortly after that I heard some news that didn’t impact me directly but shook me up and left me feeling really deeply hurt for a few weeks and I just couldn’t shake it. Add to this the sleep and mood crap that comes with the joys of perimenopause,  an old sick dog who is breaking my heart and yes… you guessed it, it got dark!

But I have decided that today I am picking myself up. I am finding the bright spots. I am taking in all the words of kindness from my friends, I am going to find my gratitude, my center. Yeah I will have crappy days and that’s okay because I know there is ALWAYS a better day coming.

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Mental health… ain’t it grand?!

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I am with you too…

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I don’t read the news like I used to but there are some stories that become absolutely unavoidable if you  have any interaction with social media. This week is the rape conviction and “sentencing” of Brock Turner. I admit I wanted to put my head in the sand until it had passed, I wanted to know nothing more about it. I knew the basics and even that was just too much for my heart to handle. It’s too damn awful. But it’s not going away because we NEED to talk about it. People have a basic need to understand how such a thing could happen and how it can go essentially unpunished .So this evening I steeled my nerves and I read the victim impact statement that is blowing up the internet.

Damn. Damn damn damn.

I am fighting the urge to stop writing, to pop my head back in the sand.  Her statement is so powerful I am swallowed up by it. Lost in her words but my memories.  I feel like she is writing to me, because we are sisters, members of an awful sorority with far too many members. Because 19 years ago I was the victim of sexual violence and nothing has ever been the same.

(after I wrote that my computer crashed and I thought “hey maybe that’s a sign for me to shut up” but the truth is it’s only a sign the Windows 8 sucks so here I go)

I have never been silent about what happened to me. I have brought up many times in passing but it’s also not something I have really talked about. It makes people uncomfortable and let’s be honest that is PART of the problem. Sexual violence get to hide in the shadows a shame and stigma because polite people don’t talk about sexual things. Well let me tell you what I have learned in 19 years, rape and sexual assault are NOT sexual things. They are acts of egregious violence that should not be tolerated in any society that thinks of it’s self as civil.  My cuts and bruises healed a long long time ago but the impact that act had on my soul, on my psyche that will  never go away.  The damage that was done to me changed me so fundamentally that in many regards I believe one Meghan ended and a new one came into being.   I want to reach out to the Stanford sexual assault victim and tell her that in time she will be better because mostly it’s true, mostly. I am past the endless nights of insomnia, being only able to sleep in day light, the night terrors or having to sleep with a weapon near. I am finished with punishing my body for being vulnerable by withholding food, or putting on layers of fat to protect myself and make myself less desirable. I am through wishing I were dead and trying to move things along with the aid drugs and alcohol. I am utterly and completely finished with needing the intervention of a psych ward to make sure that I am safe. I want to tell her I am alright now because it is mostly true… but I have to be honest, there are days it’s not better.  There are days I feel ashamed that I drank so much that night.  There are nights I lay awake and wish I hadn’t flirted so much. There are moments of pure terror that catch me totally unaware, at a baseball game, in the supermarket, you see someone who looks “just like him”. Try explaining to your husband sometime why you are hiding in the frozen food section hyperventilating when just moments ago you laughing and planing your weekend.

I have everything I could have ever wanted out of life … except the certainty of safety because now I know that monsters are real.  But I am still here, still loud, still proud. And I am never going to stop trying to bring light into the dark places. I am never going to stop being an advocate for myself, for my sisters and my brothers.  I am glad I read SSAV’s impact statement, glad that I trudged along with her through my own memories of the emergency room, of buckets of pills, and swabs. Glad I stuck with her through her own telling of the absurd victim blaming questions  just so I could get to the end..

“And finally, to girls everywhere, I am with you. On nights when you feel alone, I am with you. When people doubt you or dismiss you, I am with you. I fought everyday for you. So never stop fighting, I believe you. As the author Anne Lamott once wrote, “Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” Although I can’t save every boat, I hope that by speaking today, you absorbed a small amount of light, a small knowing that you can’t be silenced, a small satisfaction that justice was served, a small assurance that we are getting somewhere, and a big, big knowing that you are important, unquestionably, you are untouchable, you are beautiful, you are to be valued, respected, undeniably, every minute of every day, you are powerful and nobody can take that away from you. To girls everywhere, I am with you. Thank you.”

 

I am here. I am not going anywhere if you need me… my heart is always open and my hands are always ready for holding.

Girl Power!

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So my trip to Ontario was amazing for lots of reasons. I can’t begin to tell you how much I value the experience I had.But there was one moment among all of them that REALLY stands out. I was at the National Dodgeball Festival in Barrie, with a large contingent of my dodgeball family. I found myself in a loud crowded arena but in a moment of zen I looked around and saw that on all six courts there were twelve teams of women playing.  That’s a MINIMUM of 72 women playing their guts out, kicking total ass. 72 women!!!! I was so amazed, so in awe that I actually began to cry.  I love the women I play with here in Nova Scotia, they have become some of my dearest friends, nay members of my family. I am constantly blown away by their talent and passion for our game. We are a mighty group of woman but we are small in number. When I can’t make a game and I need a sub it can be so difficult, a problem that our dudes rarely have.

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Our leagues here are almost exclusively co-ed and we play with some incredible men but sometimes it is difficult to not get frustrated and feel like teams are built around the male players and then the women are added based on league requirements which is just crazy because some of the best players I have ever seen were chicas!

Looking around at those 72 women I felt so proud to be with them (even if this time around I wasn’t dodging) and I was emboldened by all those strong, fierce ladies.

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Dear Spring…. please come back!

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So yesterday it snowed and tonight it is so cold I need layers! I mean … It’s almost MAY! There forecast is calling for flurries overnight! It April showers are supposed to bring May flowers what the hell will April flurries bring? I’ll tell  you what, it will bring a cranky Meggy!!! I hope Toronto will have better weather. I have been promised Spring weather for my vacation. All this cold, shivering, layering, foolishness is making me a grump. I mean sunshine is nice but I don’t want to have to wear mitts and a toque just to go to the green bin. I want to sit on my deck and drink tea. I want to putter in my garden. I want to go for walks and BBQ and mow the lawn. UGG!!

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“By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” Benjamin Franklin

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25 more days until my first grand solo adventure. To say I am excited is a great understatement. I have been prepping for this trip so extensively, every restaurant thoroughly researched, galleries, parks and attractions planned meticulously. Outfits have been carefully chosen.  I am a planner, it’s what I do, who I am.  I was talking to my friend Mark this evening and he described a recent vacation of his where he just flew by the seat of his pants, woke up in his exotic local and thought “What shall I do today?”.  Honest to god just listening to him gave me palpitations. Without a list, without a well thought out plan… .what would I DO?! And then a thought occurred to me…. Have I always been such a tight ass? And the answer is no.  I remember a time when I definitely had much less of a stick so firmly inserted, a time when I was younger, had much less responsibility, a time when I was kind of a bit of wild child. For about second and a half I felt some kind of twinge, some nostalgia maybe for that girl who moved to London without a job or money or a plan, the girl who went to university… on a dare! The girl who did lots of other things that I am totally not going to confess to in the internet because I still have some dignity.  But just as quickly as that pang of nostalgia stuck it was chased away by the memory of how unhappy that girl was, how miserable being unpredictable made me. The memory of how worried I was about paying rent or bills or eating. The memory of how worried my friends and family were for me and the choices I made for myself.   Now I am sure there is a middle ground and I hope one day to find it, maybe have one day of vacation where I “play it by ear”. I can certainly work on being less ridged but in the mean time if the key to  my happiness and confidence is a well thought out list… well that is a price I am happy to pay.

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This Wild Child!

Year End Wrap…. The Good!

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I felt okay about my list of failures because I am a secure human but I am REALLY excited to bring you my list of successes!

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2. I am going to drink less pop but MORE good coffee and good booze. Again, life is short and awesome.

I still drink pop. but the goal was LESS.  I stopped buying it to have in the house (except I did buy some for Christmas), now I buy 500 ml bottles as a treat or have pop when I am out.

4. I am going to get a massage every month. They aren’t that expensive and my medical covers most of it. Why the hell not?

Oh man, this was definitely one of my favorite accomplishments this year. I can’t tell you how much I look forward to this one hour a month. 

6. I am going to read LOADS.  Mark D suggested a book a week. I am not sure I can keep that pace but it won’t hurt to try

I didn’t read as much as I planned, and I didn’t blog everything because I got a little lazy but I did squeeze in 16 books this year. 

10. I am going do things that make me feel pretty. Wear nice clothes, put on some lipstick, paint my nails.  Not because I have to meet some societal norm but because when I feel pretty my confidence soars and I can do anything.

This year I bought make up and pretty clothes and I wore both of them and you know what? I felt great!

12.I want to eat breakfast every day.  We have been hearing it for years, it is the most important meal of the day. I am home now, I have time to eat before work so I should be fueling up on good stuff.

Toast and oatmeal might not be that creative but damn if it doesn’t get the job done!

13. I am going to be more creative. Paint, scrap, glue, write, whatever it is I just need to get my creative juices flowing.

14. I am going to continue to discard the crap. There is so much unnecessary stuff in our home. You can’t organize clutter and stuff is just stuff, not a memory

The great September purge was a total success! 

15. I am going, with the help of my awesome husband and our friends and family, finish the damn basement.  This is a project that has been in the making for too long.  There is great space down there and we are not using it to it’s fullest potential and that is just dumb.

Okay so it’s only 90% done but dammit I am putting this one in the win column. 

16. I am going to patch and paint (the same colour, ’cause I love it) the dining room wall. It is an awful mess so instead of looking at is and feeling bad I am going to do something about it.

It looks great. I can’t wait to get the art up! 

19. I am going to use my juicer.  I have this big beautiful contraption I never use. That needs to change.  I am not going to do a juice diet or anything, but I am going to make us juice because there is no sense in owning something like that and not using it.

The juicer now lives with someone else. LOL

20. I am going to dance. In the kitchen, in the living room, in the aisles of the store, where ever the mood takes me. I am going to dance because I love to.

21. I am going to get new ink.  I have been talking about several pieces I have wanted for a long time now and it is time to get off the pot.

I love my new tattoo, it is so beautiful. 

22. I am going to take LOTS of pictures. I love my camera, being out with it makes me happy so I am going to try another 365 project or something of the like.

Oh yeah, nailed it!

23. I am going to watch less TV. I have fallen into a bad habit and sitting in front of the laptop with netflix has taken up way too much of my life. I am aiming to watch no more than 10 hours a week.

Okay so I watched a lot of TV but I did take a 3 month break with no TV at all.  It was really good. 

24. I am going to stop being disappointed that I am not Martha Stewart.  My house is never going to look like Better Homes and Gardens. That is not who I am, that is not who Gil and I are as a family. Our house gets messy but in the end it away gets cleaned up, stressing over it is foolish.

25. I need need to practice compassion in my day to day life, with my friends and family, with my co-workers and customers, with strangers in the street and also with myself.

27. I want to have girls nights.  I have amazing girl friends. We should spend more time together.

Girl nights, girl lunches, girl limo trips even girls weekends away!

31. I want to nap more. I have to stop seeing it as a waste of time. Maybe it is a luxury but it is one I deserve to indulge in.

Oh I have fully embraced the nap! I have one about once a week!

34. Don’t buy things for the sake of buying them, I want purchases to be something I really love, really want and well thought out.

With a few odd exceptions I did really we at this. 

43. I want to take a class, or two, or ten.  Cooking, self defense. Something, anything that gets me learning.

I really enjoyed the classes I took. I hope to take more next year.

45. I want to make preserves. Every year I see recipes for pickles and jams and I think “I could do that!” and this year it the year I see it through

I made jam! 

46. I want to burn my candles. I have so many candles and wax warmers and they sit getting dusty. I love candle light, it is so romantic and it always sparks my creativity (pun intended).

48. I want to re-watch all 10 seasons of Friends. There are 236  30 minute episodes so I can watch one a day and still keep in my reduced TV time.

Done son!

50. I want to give both my money and my time to charity this year.  It is easy to sit and make a donation but is not as gratifying as getting out there and getting involved.

51. I want to be a great wife.  Gil spent a large part of 2014 taking care of me and keeping things on an even keel and I want to invest my time and energy on showing him how much I value what he has done for me and our family.

Well we aren’t divorced. HA!

53. I want to spend time with children. Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I don’t like them. I want to spend fun time with Chloe, Logan, Dylan, Lennox, Oliver, Seumas, Kilei, Brooklyn, Vienna and all the other adorable small humans we know.

54. I want to have EVENTS. They don’t have to be big and grand but some times it is nice to put the effort in for stuff with your pals. Valentines day, Pancake day, Cinco De Mayo, S’mores,  whatever, let’s just party!

We had SO much fun with BBQ’s and fires and cookie baking and big parties. It was FUNtastic! 

58. I want to FINALLY make all the knobs and pulls in the kitchen match.  We have three different styles, two of which I got halfway through installing and quit.

So glad to have this done!

61. I want to write more. I have tried and failed at NANOWRIMO a few times now, so I want to try instead to spend months working a a story rather than weeks.  I love writing and I think one day I could actually write something good if I keep at it

62. I want to learn to make Corey’s chicken dip. I drooled on the keyboard at just the mention of it.

I had a great date with Corey and now I make great dip!

66. I want to do something special for my husband for our anniversary but I want to plan ahead. I don’t want to throwing the something together at the 11th hour like I usually do.

We had an amazing time and he was super surprised! 

68. I want to do some real star gazing. Go out on dark clear nights, maybe borrow a telescope and look at the amazing masterpiece that is the night sky.

70. I want to make something out of wood. With my hands and tools.

I made Christmas ornaments and they were beautiful! 

78. I want to go swimming LOTS. I only got to go once in 2014 and I left totally robbed. Nothing says summer like me and Aimee swimming at the river.

80. I want to decorate for Halloween, I have all the stuff I just need to put the effort in.  If I don’t use it we don’t need to keep it.

Our house looked great!

81. I want to decorate for Christmas.  The last two years I have been totally half assed about it. Same as above. If I am not going to use it then it has to go.

Our house looks SUPER great!

82. I need to start using my calendar and getting Gil to try and do the same. I can’t count how many times things got missed or double booked because they didn’t make it to the calendar. It’s not a hard task and it saves time, energy and hurt feelings.

There was MUCH less double booking this year. Not perfect but much better!

83. I want to Blog more.  I don’t know if anyone even reads what I write but I feel like it really helps me to process what is going on in my life, drives to me keep goals and gives me a creative outlet.

What am I doing RIGHT now??! YEAH!

85 I want to do something fun and funky with my hair.  I have had a safe brown pony tail for way too long. It is time to try and shake things up. Worst case scenario I hate it, so what? Hair grows.

86. I want to buy myself a pair of cool boots.  I love boots.

I friggin’ love my boots!

95. I want to get to know my neighbours. We have been here 6.5 years and I couldn’t tell you the name of the people who live on either side of me. That is just wrong and this year I am going to fix it.

I am so glad I got to know my neighbours better. They are great! 

96. I am going to help my husband grow us business ambitions.  It is going to be a busy year but I want him to keep up with his skulduggery and I will do whatever needs doing to help with that.

I would like to say I helped by being so cool and laid back. If you believe that I have some a bridge in London to sell you…

98. I want to continue to purge toxic people from my life so I can surrounded my with good, kind, loving people.

I actually am very proud of some choices I made in this area of my life.

99. I want to keep dreaming big because when you stop then you get old and boring.

100. I want to keep being awesome because even though I can always be and do better, I like who I am. I like my life and I am happy to be where I am!

Damn yo! I  AM super cool!!

I Am Spoiled

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MOST of the time I work from an office in my home but for the last seven days I have been going into THE office, our head office when the majority of my co-worker work. It was lovely to spend time with my work friends, to get out and socialize, to just plain get out, but being there for the week gave me a lot of perspective on just how lucky I am.

  • My idea of business casual generally consists of flannel pj’s and no bra!
  • It is SO quiet in my office.
  • No public washroom!!
  • I spend one break a day having a cuddle with my boy Angus.
  • My other breaks are spent cooking, cleaning, having kitchen dance parties, watching TV or napping.
  • My commute is AWESOME! No bridge traffic or toll, no paying for parking, no parking tickets.
  • There’s no need to be up at the ass crack of dawn.
  • If I over sleep I can shower on my break.
  • No spending money on coffee or lunches.

Yup, it is pretty amazing and I know I am a lucky girl.