Hi my awesome people! So I mentioned last night is was a wee bit tired. Well let me be perfectly honest I had ZERO interest in getting out of bed this morning. But because we are grown ups (allegedly) we had lots of busy plans so we rolled out, bodies protesting every centimeter. I had a wonderful morning tea with Sandra and caught up with my sweet little godson who is now old enough to potty train and speaks to me in whole sentences (How did that happen SO fast?!).
In the afternoon we were off for the 3rd Annual Jugger BBQ in the Park! I love getting our local Juggers together for this fun event that mixes playing and more socialization. It’s great when people stop and watch and cheer and ask questions about the game. This year I got to pass grill duty off to Gil (payment for picking him and several other drunk boys last night from a bachelor party.) Instead I got to spend the afternoon hanging out on my banana, making awesome new friends and relaxing in the sunshine.
The highlight of this years BBQ was a visit from one of our younger Juggers. J is 14 and he has not been able to play with us in WAY too long. He was diagnosed last winter with Burkitt’s lymphoma which was a big shock because he was so young. But today he seemed tall, handsome and healthy!! And also much closer to being a teenager than he was this time last year.
After the BBQ we has to run off to Prospect for yet another game of dodgeball. WEEE! It certainly wasn’t the greatest game of my life since every cell in my body was aching from yesterday but I was in good company, most us were too sore to do anything but laugh at our selves. But it was fun and I got to hang with my peeps so… woo.
The evening brought a hot a date with my favorite husband and then a long soak in a hot bath. Pretty much it was a perfect day! Happy Sunday everyone.
When I was falling asleep last night I was thinking about what was making me so unhappy. I mean I had a some pretty awesome stuff happen this summer…. dude, we went to IRELAND! Then it dawned on me that might be part of the problem. I have spent the whole year planning stuff, first my trip to Toronto and then our grand adventure in Ireland. Now… I am plan-less. The same thing happened to me after our wedding, after the buzz of it wore off I found myself in a deep funk. I was embarrassed at the time, I had just had this AMAZING experience and I was totally bummed, I thought I was just being spoiled until I mentioned it to another friend who had been married the year before. She said that she had felt the exact same way! What a relief. I was normal…. well normalish.
At lest I was able to quickly put my finger on the problem and now I can go about remedying it, finding new things to put my energy into. I sorry if I came off as mopey yesterday. Thanks for listening!
Listen guys! HEY!! HEY GUYS!! Listen! Seriously I am like the worst blogger ever. I am sorry.
I have no idea where the time goes, there just never seem to be enough hours in the day. Not that I have spent the summer doing anything REALLY interesting. I gotta booboo and broke my #notv plan. I worked a lot, played some Pokemon Go. Honestly I did almost nothing on my list. Oh don’t get me wrong, there were some really great times, it just went by too fast and I was too caught up in other things to really get everything I wanted out of this summer. I know there are still 16.5 days left but it all just went by too fast.
I’ve always had a soft spot for September and the approach of Autumn, to me it’s always been a kind of New Year. I am hoping that I can find my chutzpah, find some energy and get off my duff and make something splendid out the the remaining nice time we have before winter. September and October are awesome months and I am hoping to really make the most of them!
Oh my gracious I got to open my windows AND put my blankets out in the fresh air today. I am just so excited. It was a bit nippy but it wasn’t COLD. And tomorrow it is supposed to be in the double digits!! I love warm and sunny SO much. My mood just zooms, my house gets clean.Things smell good!! I use loads of exclamation points!!!! Alright so I don’t have a seasonal guide to exclamation points but I am sure you catch my drift.
I am hoping the weather forecast for the weekend is wrong and we actually have some decent weather. I am dying to get out in the yard and get some real work done. There are huge branches down off the trees in the back yard from the various winter storms. Plus I want to break out the beautiful new leave blower/vacuum/mulcher that Gil and I got for Christmas. I want to build up the new veg bed Gil and I are putting in and pull out some annoying shrubs from the back yard before they are in bloom again. I think I could spend the whole summer outside if I tried.
The mid week has hit with an icky case of Spring blahs. So I took Wednesday night off, hung out in bed, drank lots of fluids, talked to my sweet brother and cuddled with my cats. My lovely husband made dinner and helped get clean sheets on the bed. Altogether not an awful way to spend an evening if you can ignore the achy joints, headache and scratchy throat.
But some times in different directions. And that’s okay!
God… I feel like I have been working on this post for weeks and I am still not saying exactly what I want to!
Have you ever been in the forest and seen two intertwined trees? Two trees growing so closely they become entangled in each other, supporting each other but with their own roots, their own need to reach for the sun. This is a perfect metaphor for how I view marriage, well our marriage.
This idea of being separate but unified entities has been on my mind a lot lately because I have been seriously bitten by a travel bug and my dear sweet husband… not so much. It’s seems so innocent, a thirst to travel. But for me the last little while it’s not an idle thought, it’s an all consuming, burning desire and I was really worried that this would have a negative impact on my marriage. However when I was planning this post we sat down and we had a chat about what I wanted to say while still respecting the privacy of our marriage. My sweet husband took my hand and said “I trust you”. And that is the crux of it all I am married a wonderful man who believes and trust in me.
Last year at this time we were teetering on a precipice of something bad, clinging tenaciously to each other and making some hard choices. There were a lot of contributing factors to our discontent but the one I want to talk about has to do with me and my feeling of insecurity and loneliness, feeling that my husband had so much going on in his life but I was… lost. I was envious of him and it manifested as resentment and I took those feelings and turned them inside and it eat and clawed at me. Let’s me be clear this was an issue with ME. Gil growing and changing and having lots of good things going on, that’s amazing. I am proud of him and I support him 100% more if possible. My problem is remembering that in addition to being a friend and employee and wife remembering I am still me! Perhaps now I have come to a stage in my life where I realize that if I don’t start to focus on myself and my dreams I could start to run out of time. And perhaps because I have a relationship with a man who fully supports me and encourages me to be my own person. but my dream, my thing, it’s getting on an airplane, bus or train and going SOMEWHERE. There are things I want to do, experiences I want have places I want to travel and sometimes I don’t do those things because we don’t love the same things or because I am scared to be on my own or getting stuck in my own ruts . I am determined to make this decade, my 40’s of finding myself and figuring out what I want, what I want to do, who I want to be, where I want to be. I am getting too old for regrets don’t want to let go of my dreams which means I need to find a way to blend my desire to be loved AND to be independent.
I have to remind my self that there is nothing selfish about doing what I want to do just because he doesn’t want to do it with me. And also that in our actual marriage ceremony we talked about making sure we did things in our lives apart from each other so that we could experience the joy of coming back together and telling each other our tales.
So I have been a little quiet lately. I have been thinking a lot about the purpose of what I am doing here on Paper Jockey. I am never going to be… blog famous nor is that my goal. I don’t have an issue or a platform. I am just kind of typing and sharing and it seems maybe a little… self indulgent. Why is anything I think or say worth sharing on an already cluttered internet? Who cares what I made for dinner or how I feel about feeling 41? Who cares if I planted beans in garden or if I am suffering though a bought of crippling anxiety?
But today I realized it doesn’t matter who cares. This writing, sharing, documenting… this is for me and that is okay. It’s a spot for me to document my own history, to keep track of my successes and failures.This is a place for me to sort through my feelings because sometimes I don’t know where I am until I put it down. So I am sticking with it for the time being. Maybe down the road I will get tired of the sound of my own voice but not today.