Shoo Fly!

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So it’s that time of year, hot and damp which means it’s ideal for fruit flies.  I friggin’ hate fruit flies. And I hate making all those little traps because I hate the waste they produce, all that cling wrap! So I decided to make my own traps that I could reuse without the waste.   I found cute little jam jars at the dollar store, popped a few holes in the lid and them… bop! Fruit fly traps I can empty, rinse and reuse over and over and over.

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Follow up thoughts

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When I was falling asleep last night I was thinking about what was making me so unhappy.  I mean I had a some pretty awesome stuff happen this summer…. dude, we went to IRELAND! Then it dawned on me that might be part of the problem. I have spent the whole year planning stuff, first my  trip to Toronto and then our grand adventure in Ireland. Now… I am plan-less. The same thing happened to me after our wedding, after the buzz of it wore off I found myself in a deep funk.  I was embarrassed at the time, I had just had this AMAZING experience and I was totally bummed, I thought I was just being spoiled until I mentioned it to another friend who had been married the year before. She said that she had felt the exact same way! What a relief. I was normal…. well normalish.

At lest I was able to quickly put my finger on the problem and now I can go about remedying it, finding new things to put my energy into.  I sorry if I came off as mopey yesterday. Thanks for listening!

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OHAI!!

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Listen guys! HEY!! HEY GUYS!! Listen! Seriously I am like the worst blogger ever. I am sorry.

I have no idea where the time goes, there just never seem to be enough hours in the day. Not that I have spent the summer doing anything REALLY interesting. I gotta booboo and broke my #notv plan. I worked a lot, played some Pokemon Go. Honestly I did almost nothing on my list.  Oh don’t get me wrong, there were some really great times, it just went by too fast and I was too caught up in other things to really get everything I wanted out of this summer. I know there are still 16.5 days left but it all just went by too fast.

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I’ve always had a soft spot for September and the approach of Autumn, to me it’s always been a kind of New Year. I am hoping that I can find my chutzpah, find some energy and get off my duff and make something splendid out the the remaining nice time we have before winter. September and October are awesome months and I am hoping to really make the most of them!

Summer Book… Two!

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I just loved The Neverending Story movie when I was young so I have always wanted to read the book. They are VERY different , the movie only covers the first half of the book, before Bastian becomes a whining pain in the ass.  I didn’t love the story,  mostly because the character was so unlikable but I think that was the point. However I loved Michael Ende’s incredible imagery and his gift for language and texture. One thumb up.

First book of the Summer

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Well the silver lining of this early summer cold is that I have had some extra time to read. Bruce Sterling’s Heavy Weather has been on my radar for years twice I had picked it up and put it back down without getting through the first chapter.  Then I really wanted to read it but could not find our copy any where.  I don’t know if I lost it or lent it to someone but it was gone and worse it was out of print so we had a hard time scaring up another copy. Then this Christmas my husband surprised me with this copy which he magically procured from deep in the inter-tubes. Last I decided it was time. It is a dense book and you have to be a bit of a weather nerd to appreciate it properly but I am so yay. I did have to push through some of the really type A post-apocalyptic science fiction but over all a very enjoyable read. Thank Sweet Babboo for finding it for me. You are my F-6!

I am with you too…

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I don’t read the news like I used to but there are some stories that become absolutely unavoidable if you  have any interaction with social media. This week is the rape conviction and “sentencing” of Brock Turner. I admit I wanted to put my head in the sand until it had passed, I wanted to know nothing more about it. I knew the basics and even that was just too much for my heart to handle. It’s too damn awful. But it’s not going away because we NEED to talk about it. People have a basic need to understand how such a thing could happen and how it can go essentially unpunished .So this evening I steeled my nerves and I read the victim impact statement that is blowing up the internet.

Damn. Damn damn damn.

I am fighting the urge to stop writing, to pop my head back in the sand.  Her statement is so powerful I am swallowed up by it. Lost in her words but my memories.  I feel like she is writing to me, because we are sisters, members of an awful sorority with far too many members. Because 19 years ago I was the victim of sexual violence and nothing has ever been the same.

(after I wrote that my computer crashed and I thought “hey maybe that’s a sign for me to shut up” but the truth is it’s only a sign the Windows 8 sucks so here I go)

I have never been silent about what happened to me. I have brought up many times in passing but it’s also not something I have really talked about. It makes people uncomfortable and let’s be honest that is PART of the problem. Sexual violence get to hide in the shadows a shame and stigma because polite people don’t talk about sexual things. Well let me tell you what I have learned in 19 years, rape and sexual assault are NOT sexual things. They are acts of egregious violence that should not be tolerated in any society that thinks of it’s self as civil.  My cuts and bruises healed a long long time ago but the impact that act had on my soul, on my psyche that will  never go away.  The damage that was done to me changed me so fundamentally that in many regards I believe one Meghan ended and a new one came into being.   I want to reach out to the Stanford sexual assault victim and tell her that in time she will be better because mostly it’s true, mostly. I am past the endless nights of insomnia, being only able to sleep in day light, the night terrors or having to sleep with a weapon near. I am finished with punishing my body for being vulnerable by withholding food, or putting on layers of fat to protect myself and make myself less desirable. I am through wishing I were dead and trying to move things along with the aid drugs and alcohol. I am utterly and completely finished with needing the intervention of a psych ward to make sure that I am safe. I want to tell her I am alright now because it is mostly true… but I have to be honest, there are days it’s not better.  There are days I feel ashamed that I drank so much that night.  There are nights I lay awake and wish I hadn’t flirted so much. There are moments of pure terror that catch me totally unaware, at a baseball game, in the supermarket, you see someone who looks “just like him”. Try explaining to your husband sometime why you are hiding in the frozen food section hyperventilating when just moments ago you laughing and planing your weekend.

I have everything I could have ever wanted out of life … except the certainty of safety because now I know that monsters are real.  But I am still here, still loud, still proud. And I am never going to stop trying to bring light into the dark places. I am never going to stop being an advocate for myself, for my sisters and my brothers.  I am glad I read SSAV’s impact statement, glad that I trudged along with her through my own memories of the emergency room, of buckets of pills, and swabs. Glad I stuck with her through her own telling of the absurd victim blaming questions  just so I could get to the end..

“And finally, to girls everywhere, I am with you. On nights when you feel alone, I am with you. When people doubt you or dismiss you, I am with you. I fought everyday for you. So never stop fighting, I believe you. As the author Anne Lamott once wrote, “Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” Although I can’t save every boat, I hope that by speaking today, you absorbed a small amount of light, a small knowing that you can’t be silenced, a small satisfaction that justice was served, a small assurance that we are getting somewhere, and a big, big knowing that you are important, unquestionably, you are untouchable, you are beautiful, you are to be valued, respected, undeniably, every minute of every day, you are powerful and nobody can take that away from you. To girls everywhere, I am with you. Thank you.”

 

I am here. I am not going anywhere if you need me… my heart is always open and my hands are always ready for holding.

Grab life by the balls

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According to fictional movie character Patches O’Houlihan “If you want dodgeball victory you gotta grab it by its haunches and hump it into submission, that’s the only way!”

In Barrie I decided it was my time to start grabbing. I made a promise to myself that THIS season I am going to improve enough to compete next year at Nationals. I needed those first to seasons,  I need 1 to really understand the rules of  Canadian Dodgeball Association style and then I needed a second to season to figure out WHAT kind of presence I want to be on the court.  Now in season three…. it’s time to start working on the skills.

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I am never going to be a top tier player but that doesn’t mean I should sit back and be complacent so I am taking the bull by the horns and I am going to PUSH myself this season.  I am going to take advice from everyone who will give it to me. I am going to play in tournaments, I am going to try new things. I am going to practice outside of the hour and a half I play each week.  I have a PLAN!  And tonight I saw the spark of that plan start to take hold. I listened to my friend Joey when he was trying to correct my throw. I listened to my teammates when they were telling me what they needed from me (except that one time, sorry again George!)  and I was putting myself out there.  Sure I made plenty of mistakes but I was IN the game and I was really proud of how I played. I had some solid moves and dudes… I jumped…. TWICE. I don’t have a little body, jumping isn’t something that comes natural to me be I just DID IT.  I don’t need to be the best I just need to be the best I can be .