Tag Archives: failure

Year End Wrap! The Bad….

Standard

I have had a fantastic year! My manifesto has given me so much motivation this year. But before I take the time to look at my successes I want to look at the areas where I failed, sometimes spectacularly.

Whenever you leave behind failure you’re doing good. If you think everything you’ve done is great, you’re probably dumb. ~Louis C.K.

mistakes

1. I am going to eat less take out and fast food but MORE butter and good cheese. I think life is too short to live without these things.

HAHAHA! NO, so much no. If anything Gil and I ate out MORE. We were SO busy we were eating on the fly all the time, plus we ate and some fantastic places. And we loved every moment.  As my dear friend Theresa told me “You have to spend your money on something!”

3. I am going become a flosser, one who flosses. I am going to brush AND floss every day.

5. I am going to try a new recipe once a week.  I am tired of eating the same things over and over. It is time to be more adventurous in the kitchen especially since I have the time at home now.

It’s hard to try new stuff when you never cook. LOL 

17. I am going to get a new kitchen counter.  When we got the dishwasher Gil cut the counter in half with a skillsaw to get it in. It was supposed to be temporary, that was 5 years ago.

UGGG stupid money. 

28. I want to have game nights. We own SO many board games and we play so seldom. Game nights are such a good way to spend time with out our friends

I don’t think one time counts.

29. I want to be more green. We need to start using the travel mugs and the reusable grocery bags but I don’t use them all the time. We could use less cling wrap, tin foil, paper towel, Kleenex.  There are ways to be green in my everyday life that just take a little effort and I want to stop being lazy and be more contentious of the impact I am having on the world around me.

This one makes me sad. I really wanted to do this. It is absolutely going on to my 2016 list. 

30. Whenever possible I want to buy local and fresh.  It sometimes make more effort but as above, it is time to start being more aware of my community and my place in it.

32. I want to get our art work framed and hang it on the wall. Gil and I have several beautiful painting we have picked up over the years and they are just sitting in the computer room, not being looked at. That is a disservice to the artist.

35. I want to play more chess. I am never going to be good if I only play every few years.

Again I don’t think once counts. 

36. I want to go to the campground with Tanya & Trena.  They are some of my favorite family members and we hardly ever see each other. I need to take time for the important people in my life and T&T are high on that list.

37. I want to make loads more things from scratch like bread and cakes and waffles. There are so many good things that I could make if I just put the time in.

38. I want to finally learn to make good tea biscuits. I have tried several times and always end up with hockey pucks. This year, the tea biscuit is going to be my bitch.

39. I want to learn to sew.  Gil and I are talking about buying a sewing machine but if we do it HAS to be something we use. I often see projects that I would love to try but sewing has been to daunting. Imagine all the cool shit I could do if I sewed?

Well we DID get a sewing machine… it’s still in the box.

40. I want to paint Gil’s computer room. It is another project that we have been talking about since we bought the house 6 years ago but have just never gotten around to. No more laurel resting!

41. I am GOING to paint the master bedroom. See above but with more emphasis because the walls are so much uglier.

*SIGH*

42. I am going to try hard to multitask LESS. I feel like my attention is always split in 10 different directions. It is

Guess what I am doing RIGHT now?!

47. Two words… CHEESE FONDUE!

49. I want to send more snail mail. Yeah, stamps are getting expensive but I love the craft of writing a letter. There is something so personal about it.

Do Christmas cards count??

57. I want to send birthday cards to my friends and family. Maybe I could make them, that is creative. But I love getting cards, especially in the mail. I want to pass that feeling along because I bet I am not the only one.

I don’t think I sent even one. Sorry guys!

63. I want to learn to make samosa’s from Gee’s mom. If you are going to learn something it might as well be with the tutelage of a master.

There is still a plan in the works!

64. I want to Skype with my brother Deedee WAY more often.  We have this gift of technology and we use it so seldom. Time to fix that.

It takes two to Tango!

65. I want to have Sunday dinners, at the table, with Michael and Gil.  Not every Sunday or anything but regularly, once a month even to sit down together as a family and relax over a nice meal.

Not even once. LOL We suck

67. I want to have some nice pictures taken of Gil and I.  All the pictures we have we are pulling faces or they are selfies taken at odd angles. It would be nice to have something to show what an awesome, good looking couple we really are.

There was a plan, I swear, then I got my hair cut…

69. I want to learn to play crib. It is one of those things that people do. I have never learned because I thought you had to know math.

72. I want to lower my blood pressure.

73. I want to lower my bad cholesterol.

74. One word…. BRAN!

76. I want to finally learn to make pie crust.

77. I want to go on hikes. Hikes encompass so many of my other goals, walking, being outside, taking pictures.  It is the perfect combo pack

I did walk a lot playing Ingress but I don’t think there were any hikes

84. I want to run a D&D game.  I have been playing for 13 years now and I have loads of fun ideas. The only thing keeping me from running is fear of failure and the is just dumb

87. I want to scrape the pink paint of the front and side doors. Damn it is ugly. I have hated it since the day we moved in. I just need to get off my bum and do it.

88. I want to finish painting the closet and bathroom doors on the main floor. They have been primer for about 5 years.  There is just no need of that.

89. I want to finish my linen closet project. I already invested the money, now I just need to put in the time and the manual labour.

90. I want to build pillow forts.  I haven’t built a fort in longer than I can remember. It was so much fun when I was a kid. I bet it is still fun now.

91. I want to attack my debt like the foe it is.  Sure a lot of the things I have listed here will take some money but not that much. If I spend wisely maybe I can be out of the whole by the end of the year.

93. I want to put a serious effort into our back yard and garden this summer. We have spent a lot of energy on the front but the back has a lot of great space we could use if we just put the time into it.

94. I want to make homemade cleaning products, more natural, more green, more economical. Win, win, win.

I bought the STUFF to make them…. good intentions 

97. I want to put my smart phone away at meals and in social settings. Nothing so important is going to happen on Facebook while I am having dinner with my husband that it can’t wait until later.

Oh Ingress! 

So I know it looks like a LOT of things I didn’t get done but I am genuinely undaunted. I don’t look at this list and feel like a failure, I look at this list and am proud at how optimistic I was at the start of this year. I know I can just let some of these things go altogether but I can’t wait to see how much I can get done in 2016!!

Advertisements

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. ~Fran Lebowitz

Standard

day 13

 

Dudes. I have to be honest with you. I am just not a vegetarian.  The first few days weren’t so bad but as I got into summer weekend BBQ season … I am sorry but I just can’t  say no!! I like meat and with a burning case of moral outrage to spurn me on… I just can’t do it.  Maybe it is because I want to really enjoy summer before I have my operation and recovery but I just want to stuff as much summer into the next 5 weeks. Right now that means that my 12 in 12 this month is just not going to fly.  I don’t know what else I am going to do and I am not giving up for the whole year but… yeah, I am going to be BBQing burgers for dinner tomorrow night, and I am gointo to put bacon on them. Peace out homies!

Wisdom for Wednesday – My own wisdom, such as it is

Standard

The following post may be as hard to read as it is to write so please be mindful of that as you read forward. This isn’t fiction, this my life.  

If you haven’t read about Rehtaeh Parsons already then please go here and read her story. It is so deeply painful, I am in knots every time Ieven see her name. It should be painful for everyone to read about what happened to this young lady, but for me it hits a spot that is just too deep and painfully close to home. 

I want to say right from the start that I am in NO WAY anti-police. In fact I am very pro-police. There are several members of my family, whom I love deeply, who are cops. I believe that police officers do their best in difficult circumstances. But I also believe that there are deep flaws in the system and that police officers are only human and some of them can drop the ball. I know because it happened to me….

At the end of the eighth grade I was a monster of a teenage girl. I was testing all my limits. I tried smoking, I tried drinking (peach schnapps, be still my heart), I was using some pretty colourful language, I skipped school for the first time, and I was boy crazy. I wasn’t easy, not by a stretch but that doesn’t excuse that happened to me. 

During a lunch break at school I stopped by the house of one of those boys I was so crazy about. He was there with a friend, a boy I knew, but was not crazy about,in fact I found him a little scary. Why did I go into the house? I don’t know, what goes on in the mind of 14 year old girl? I wanted the boy to like me, and everyone knows 14 year old girls are invincible, right?

I don’t know how it started, I don’t remember. Maybe it is suppressed or maybe  24 years has just taken a toll on the memory. It doesn’t matter how it started, I remember how it ended; me on my back in the living room while the boy I was sweet on held me down and his friend sexually assaulted me with his hand. I managed to free a leg and kicked the boy, that earned me a few particularly brutal punches in the face. To this day he is the only guy to ever punch me in the face, and I promise you he was also the last.

I don’t remember how long it lasted, it felt like forever but was likely less that ten minutes. When it was done I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t go home even though I was less than a block from my house; I was supposed to be in school, I was supposed to writing a French exam. I was scared that I was going to get in trouble; I was obviously deep in shock. So I walked back to the school. I don’t know what I planned to do, write the damned French exam I guess; I didn’t get the chance. Someone at the school had called my foster mother because I was late getting back, because I was missing the exam. She came to the school furious with me, expecting to find me doing some stupid, trouble making 14 year old girl thing. She knew as soon as she saw me that this was not the case. I can’t even imagine how I must have looked to her, whatever she had planned on this wasn’t it.  

We went home and she called the police to report what had happened to me. That’s what you do, that’s the process. She was told that I shouldn’t change my clothes or clean myself, if I could help it I shouldn’t even pee. The IWK was advised that I would be coming in for an examination.  So then I waited…

The police who arrived were members of the now defunct Dartmouth Police Department. They sent two male officers to interview a 14 year old girl. This, in my opinion was the first ball dropping. I know it was the 80’s and there weren’t as many ladies on the force back then but they must have had some female cop who could have come take a statement from a barely pubescent girl who has just been the victim of a violent sexual assault. 

What I remember most about sitting there with these two men is how belittled I felt, how victimized. I was scared, terrified really and starting to feel the physical effects of what had happened to me and I was sitting there being berated by men who seemed put out by having to bare witness to my ordeal. I wasn’t expecting to sit and hold hands and cry together, but I also wasn’t expecting to be treated like I was the one who did something wrong. 

In the end they turned to my foster mother and told her that they didn’t think it was worth it to press charges, it wasn’t worth it.  I was sitting there feeling filthy both physically and mentally, aching where I had been violated, face throbbing where I had been punched. My breasts were covered in purple welts from being grabbed by rough fingers and I hadn’t peed. I knew the names of the boys who had done this, I knew their phone numbers and where they lived but the police didn’t even go talk to them because it wasn’t worth it, I wasn’t worth it. 

I took so much away from that day but none of it was good. I never told anyone but my very best friend at the time. I pushed the events out of that day as far out of my mind as possible but my behavior went from bad to worse, much much worse.  Looking back on it I see a kid with PTSD dealing with it and the ensuing depression all alone. I carried the weight of that day for years. I carried it  with me it in 1997 when a “date” went very wrong and I was raped; when the police came that time I was the one who opted not to press charges, I was the one who deemed me not worth it. I carried it with me right up until today, I carried it in the form of a secret, until I read about a girl who killed herself after going through a similar anguish.

I am sorry Rehtaeh, I am sorry you were hurt so terribly. I am sorry you didn’t see justice for the heinous thing which was done to you. I am sorry that your peers were so cruel when what you needed was love and kindness and support. But most of all I am sorry you didn’t feel like you were worth it. This cannot be allowed to happen again, it just can’t.