Tag Archives: life

Sunday…97% Awesome 3% Owwie

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Hi my awesome people! So I mentioned last night is was a wee bit tired. Well let me be perfectly honest I had ZERO interest in getting out of bed this morning. But because we are grown ups (allegedly) we had lots of busy plans so we rolled out, bodies protesting every centimeter. I had a wonderful morning tea with Sandra and caught up with my sweet little godson who is now old enough to potty train and speaks to me in whole sentences (How did that happen SO fast?!).

In the afternoon we were off for the 3rd Annual Jugger BBQ in the Park! I love getting our local Juggers together for this fun event that mixes playing and more socialization. It’s great when people stop and watch and cheer and ask questions about the game. This year I got to pass grill duty off to Gil (payment for picking him and several other drunk boys last night from a bachelor party.)  Instead I got to spend the afternoon hanging out on my banana, making awesome new friends and relaxing in the sunshine.

The highlight of this years BBQ was a visit from one of our younger Juggers. J is 14 and he has not been able to play with us in WAY too long. He was diagnosed last winter with Burkitt’s lymphoma which was a big shock because he was so young. But today he seemed tall, handsome and healthy!! And also much closer to being a teenager than he was this time last year.

After the BBQ we has to run off to Prospect for yet another game of dodgeball. WEEE! It certainly wasn’t the greatest game of my life since every cell in my body was aching from yesterday but  I was in good company, most us were too sore to do anything but laugh at our selves. But it was fun and I got to hang with my peeps so… woo.

The evening brought  a hot a date with my favorite husband and then a long soak in a hot bath. Pretty much it was a perfect day! Happy Sunday everyone.

 

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99 problems but THIS ain’t one!

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You want to talk about getting some perspective?!  I remember getting this phone call 2 years ago.  I remember the person in the voice mail telling me where they were calling from then seeing spots in front of my eyes. I was still in total defensive mode, even though I had the report from the pathologist, I was still scared, my body was still in recovery from the surgery and I was STILL on antibiotics after almost three months of post surgical infections,  yes, I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn’t want to listen to the rest of the message but it went on… much to my sheer joy.

I am glad this memory came back in my facebook feed this morning.  There is nothing in the world to lift your mood and to give you perspective about what is really important in life than a reminder about how bleak things seemed.

Yup… it’s dark.

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So yesterday I had myself a good ol’ fashioned melt down. It wasn’t pretty, I wasn’t proud but it was coming and today… well today is another day.

It had been brewing for a while. A few things happened leading up to melt-fest ’16.  I mentioned earlier in the month that I had so post traveling blues. Shortly after that I heard some news that didn’t impact me directly but shook me up and left me feeling really deeply hurt for a few weeks and I just couldn’t shake it. Add to this the sleep and mood crap that comes with the joys of perimenopause,  an old sick dog who is breaking my heart and yes… you guessed it, it got dark!

But I have decided that today I am picking myself up. I am finding the bright spots. I am taking in all the words of kindness from my friends, I am going to find my gratitude, my center. Yeah I will have crappy days and that’s okay because I know there is ALWAYS a better day coming.

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Mental health… ain’t it grand?!

I am with you too…

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I don’t read the news like I used to but there are some stories that become absolutely unavoidable if you  have any interaction with social media. This week is the rape conviction and “sentencing” of Brock Turner. I admit I wanted to put my head in the sand until it had passed, I wanted to know nothing more about it. I knew the basics and even that was just too much for my heart to handle. It’s too damn awful. But it’s not going away because we NEED to talk about it. People have a basic need to understand how such a thing could happen and how it can go essentially unpunished .So this evening I steeled my nerves and I read the victim impact statement that is blowing up the internet.

Damn. Damn damn damn.

I am fighting the urge to stop writing, to pop my head back in the sand.  Her statement is so powerful I am swallowed up by it. Lost in her words but my memories.  I feel like she is writing to me, because we are sisters, members of an awful sorority with far too many members. Because 19 years ago I was the victim of sexual violence and nothing has ever been the same.

(after I wrote that my computer crashed and I thought “hey maybe that’s a sign for me to shut up” but the truth is it’s only a sign the Windows 8 sucks so here I go)

I have never been silent about what happened to me. I have brought up many times in passing but it’s also not something I have really talked about. It makes people uncomfortable and let’s be honest that is PART of the problem. Sexual violence get to hide in the shadows a shame and stigma because polite people don’t talk about sexual things. Well let me tell you what I have learned in 19 years, rape and sexual assault are NOT sexual things. They are acts of egregious violence that should not be tolerated in any society that thinks of it’s self as civil.  My cuts and bruises healed a long long time ago but the impact that act had on my soul, on my psyche that will  never go away.  The damage that was done to me changed me so fundamentally that in many regards I believe one Meghan ended and a new one came into being.   I want to reach out to the Stanford sexual assault victim and tell her that in time she will be better because mostly it’s true, mostly. I am past the endless nights of insomnia, being only able to sleep in day light, the night terrors or having to sleep with a weapon near. I am finished with punishing my body for being vulnerable by withholding food, or putting on layers of fat to protect myself and make myself less desirable. I am through wishing I were dead and trying to move things along with the aid drugs and alcohol. I am utterly and completely finished with needing the intervention of a psych ward to make sure that I am safe. I want to tell her I am alright now because it is mostly true… but I have to be honest, there are days it’s not better.  There are days I feel ashamed that I drank so much that night.  There are nights I lay awake and wish I hadn’t flirted so much. There are moments of pure terror that catch me totally unaware, at a baseball game, in the supermarket, you see someone who looks “just like him”. Try explaining to your husband sometime why you are hiding in the frozen food section hyperventilating when just moments ago you laughing and planing your weekend.

I have everything I could have ever wanted out of life … except the certainty of safety because now I know that monsters are real.  But I am still here, still loud, still proud. And I am never going to stop trying to bring light into the dark places. I am never going to stop being an advocate for myself, for my sisters and my brothers.  I am glad I read SSAV’s impact statement, glad that I trudged along with her through my own memories of the emergency room, of buckets of pills, and swabs. Glad I stuck with her through her own telling of the absurd victim blaming questions  just so I could get to the end..

“And finally, to girls everywhere, I am with you. On nights when you feel alone, I am with you. When people doubt you or dismiss you, I am with you. I fought everyday for you. So never stop fighting, I believe you. As the author Anne Lamott once wrote, “Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” Although I can’t save every boat, I hope that by speaking today, you absorbed a small amount of light, a small knowing that you can’t be silenced, a small satisfaction that justice was served, a small assurance that we are getting somewhere, and a big, big knowing that you are important, unquestionably, you are untouchable, you are beautiful, you are to be valued, respected, undeniably, every minute of every day, you are powerful and nobody can take that away from you. To girls everywhere, I am with you. Thank you.”

 

I am here. I am not going anywhere if you need me… my heart is always open and my hands are always ready for holding.

“By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” Benjamin Franklin

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25 more days until my first grand solo adventure. To say I am excited is a great understatement. I have been prepping for this trip so extensively, every restaurant thoroughly researched, galleries, parks and attractions planned meticulously. Outfits have been carefully chosen.  I am a planner, it’s what I do, who I am.  I was talking to my friend Mark this evening and he described a recent vacation of his where he just flew by the seat of his pants, woke up in his exotic local and thought “What shall I do today?”.  Honest to god just listening to him gave me palpitations. Without a list, without a well thought out plan… .what would I DO?! And then a thought occurred to me…. Have I always been such a tight ass? And the answer is no.  I remember a time when I definitely had much less of a stick so firmly inserted, a time when I was younger, had much less responsibility, a time when I was kind of a bit of wild child. For about second and a half I felt some kind of twinge, some nostalgia maybe for that girl who moved to London without a job or money or a plan, the girl who went to university… on a dare! The girl who did lots of other things that I am totally not going to confess to in the internet because I still have some dignity.  But just as quickly as that pang of nostalgia stuck it was chased away by the memory of how unhappy that girl was, how miserable being unpredictable made me. The memory of how worried I was about paying rent or bills or eating. The memory of how worried my friends and family were for me and the choices I made for myself.   Now I am sure there is a middle ground and I hope one day to find it, maybe have one day of vacation where I “play it by ear”. I can certainly work on being less ridged but in the mean time if the key to  my happiness and confidence is a well thought out list… well that is a price I am happy to pay.

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This Wild Child!

In Marriage We Grow Together…

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But some times in different directions. And that’s okay!

God… I feel like I have been working on this post for weeks and I am still not saying exactly what I want to!

Have you ever been in the forest and seen two intertwined trees? Two trees growing so closely they become entangled in each other, supporting each other but with their own roots, their own need to reach for the sun. This is a perfect metaphor for how I view marriage, well our marriage.

This idea of being separate but unified entities has been on my mind a lot lately because  I have been seriously bitten by a travel bug and my dear sweet husband… not so much. It’s seems so innocent, a thirst to travel. But for me the last little while it’s not an idle thought, it’s an all consuming, burning desire and I was really worried that this would have a negative impact on my marriage. However  when I was planning this post we sat down and we had a chat about what I wanted to say while still respecting the privacy of our marriage. My sweet husband took my hand and said “I trust you”. And that is the crux of it all I am married a wonderful man who believes and trust in me.

Last year at this time we were teetering on a precipice of something bad, clinging tenaciously  to each other and making some hard choices. There were a lot of contributing factors to our discontent but the one I want to talk about has to do with me and my feeling of insecurity and loneliness, feeling that my husband had so much going on in his life but I was… lost.  I was envious of him and it manifested as resentment and I took those feelings and turned them inside and it eat and clawed at me. Let’s me be clear this was an issue with ME. Gil growing and changing and having lots of good things going on, that’s amazing. I am proud of him and I support him 100% more if possible.  My problem is remembering that in addition to being a friend and employee and wife remembering I am still me!  Perhaps now I have come to a stage in my life where I realize that if I don’t start to focus on myself and my dreams I could start to run out of time. And perhaps because I have a relationship with a man who fully supports me and encourages me to be my own person. but my dream, my thing, it’s getting on an airplane, bus or train and going SOMEWHERE.  There are things I want to do, experiences I want have places I want to travel and sometimes I don’t do those things because we don’t love the same things or because I am scared to be on my own or getting stuck in my own ruts . I am determined to make this decade, my 40’s of finding myself and figuring out what I want, what I want to do, who I want to be, where I want to be. I am getting too old for regrets don’t want to let go of my dreams which means I need to find a way to blend my desire to be loved AND to be independent.

I have to remind my self that there is nothing selfish about doing what I want to do just because he doesn’t want to do it with me.  And also that in our actual marriage ceremony we talked about making sure we did things in our lives apart from each other so that we could experience  the joy of coming back together and telling each other our tales.

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