But some times in different directions. And that’s okay!
God… I feel like I have been working on this post for weeks and I am still not saying exactly what I want to!
Have you ever been in the forest and seen two intertwined trees? Two trees growing so closely they become entangled in each other, supporting each other but with their own roots, their own need to reach for the sun. This is a perfect metaphor for how I view marriage, well our marriage.
This idea of being separate but unified entities has been on my mind a lot lately because I have been seriously bitten by a travel bug and my dear sweet husband… not so much. It’s seems so innocent, a thirst to travel. But for me the last little while it’s not an idle thought, it’s an all consuming, burning desire and I was really worried that this would have a negative impact on my marriage. However when I was planning this post we sat down and we had a chat about what I wanted to say while still respecting the privacy of our marriage. My sweet husband took my hand and said “I trust you”. And that is the crux of it all I am married a wonderful man who believes and trust in me.
Last year at this time we were teetering on a precipice of something bad, clinging tenaciously to each other and making some hard choices. There were a lot of contributing factors to our discontent but the one I want to talk about has to do with me and my feeling of insecurity and loneliness, feeling that my husband had so much going on in his life but I was… lost. I was envious of him and it manifested as resentment and I took those feelings and turned them inside and it eat and clawed at me. Let’s me be clear this was an issue with ME. Gil growing and changing and having lots of good things going on, that’s amazing. I am proud of him and I support him 100% more if possible. My problem is remembering that in addition to being a friend and employee and wife remembering I am still me! Perhaps now I have come to a stage in my life where I realize that if I don’t start to focus on myself and my dreams I could start to run out of time. And perhaps because I have a relationship with a man who fully supports me and encourages me to be my own person. but my dream, my thing, it’s getting on an airplane, bus or train and going SOMEWHERE. There are things I want to do, experiences I want have places I want to travel and sometimes I don’t do those things because we don’t love the same things or because I am scared to be on my own or getting stuck in my own ruts . I am determined to make this decade, my 40’s of finding myself and figuring out what I want, what I want to do, who I want to be, where I want to be. I am getting too old for regrets don’t want to let go of my dreams which means I need to find a way to blend my desire to be loved AND to be independent.
I have to remind my self that there is nothing selfish about doing what I want to do just because he doesn’t want to do it with me. And also that in our actual marriage ceremony we talked about making sure we did things in our lives apart from each other so that we could experience the joy of coming back together and telling each other our tales.
I am back on split shifts for the next few weeks. I know a lot of people wouldn’t like the splits but I personally love them, specifically in the winter. I find that having those day light hours really improves my mental health and then in turn my productivity. When I am getting things done I feel good! It is a cycle of goodness.
The last few days I have been very productive but today slightly less so. I spent much of my 4 hours off hanging out with my husband. It wasn’t anything fancy, lunch and grocery shopping, but I love any extra time I get to spend with my fella. Once groceries were put away I made myself some muffins for breakfast this week and I am pleased to say they turned out so well. This evening I made lunch & dinner for tomorrow and spent soem quality cuddle time with my hounds while Gil made dinner for tonight. Yeah he’s smart and sexy AND a good cook. How could I ask for more?
Tomorrow I take on Mount Washmore!
Sweetie and I had a FANTASTIC day. The drive to NB was clear and sunny. We had a nice visit with the inlaws. Best of all we had a wonderful evening with good friends of Gil’s whom I had never met before. I am always so trepidatious about meeting new people. My stomach was in knots walking into a room full of people who all know each other so well. But in the end it was a grand time with truly lovely, welcoming people.
The last few years I have done a post summing up the highlights of the year and another with a list of my hopes and goals for the coming year. Yesterday I sat down and started to make my list and 2015 was such an exceptional year that I actually developed a hand cramp, no lie… a hand cramp. That is truly a sign of greatness. That is not to say my year was not without challenges because certainly there were. Challenges are not always a bad things, sometimes they are there to help us grow. Sometimes they push us to be our better selves. I am glad that in 2015 gave me opportunities to make my marriage stronger, to make my friendships more solid, to be a better employee. I am starting 2016 as an imperfect woman, married to an imperfect man, madly in love in an imperfect marriage and I honestly just can’t wait to see where 2016 takes us.
I am not making and grand goals or manifestos for 2016. I want to live more in the present whatever the hell that means. I want to love my husband and my friends and I want to end 2016 as happy as I was at the end of 2015.
The best dinner is always the one you didn’t have to cook your self. Thanks Gil for feeding me even though I was in a cranky miserable mood.
A little Friday night nerding is the perfect way to kick off the weekend! Especially when it is gory as hell!
Saturday I ended up having to work which totally sucked BUT I was done in time to go to the end of season softball banquet and I got stand up with my peeps and accept the big trophy which has NEVER happened to me in my whole life. They were very good about letting me drag it around all night and pretend I had something to do with winning it.
The moment we waited for all week Richard vs Richard on the dodgeball court! There was lots of fun smack talk and despite the fact that I put a tooth thru my lip and bruised my sternum I still had a great time taking on my baby, it helps more than a little bit that I beat him.
My husband bought me the most incredible piece of art for our 9th anniversary. I love turtles and these colours. It is perfect. Thank you baby.