Tag Archives: self discovery

“By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” Benjamin Franklin

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25 more days until my first grand solo adventure. To say I am excited is a great understatement. I have been prepping for this trip so extensively, every restaurant thoroughly researched, galleries, parks and attractions planned meticulously. Outfits have been carefully chosen.  I am a planner, it’s what I do, who I am.  I was talking to my friend Mark this evening and he described a recent vacation of his where he just flew by the seat of his pants, woke up in his exotic local and thought “What shall I do today?”.  Honest to god just listening to him gave me palpitations. Without a list, without a well thought out plan… .what would I DO?! And then a thought occurred to me…. Have I always been such a tight ass? And the answer is no.  I remember a time when I definitely had much less of a stick so firmly inserted, a time when I was younger, had much less responsibility, a time when I was kind of a bit of wild child. For about second and a half I felt some kind of twinge, some nostalgia maybe for that girl who moved to London without a job or money or a plan, the girl who went to university… on a dare! The girl who did lots of other things that I am totally not going to confess to in the internet because I still have some dignity.  But just as quickly as that pang of nostalgia stuck it was chased away by the memory of how unhappy that girl was, how miserable being unpredictable made me. The memory of how worried I was about paying rent or bills or eating. The memory of how worried my friends and family were for me and the choices I made for myself.   Now I am sure there is a middle ground and I hope one day to find it, maybe have one day of vacation where I “play it by ear”. I can certainly work on being less ridged but in the mean time if the key to  my happiness and confidence is a well thought out list… well that is a price I am happy to pay.

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This Wild Child!

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January 20th – Thinking thoughts

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So far 2016 is shaping up to really be a hell of a year.  This week I am feeling really good, really fired up and excited. I am going to take full advantage of this, I like feeling good.

Have you ever traveled on your own? One of the things that has me feeling so great is a trip I am planning, a trip all on my own.  I am exhilarated.  Before I started dating my husband I was single for a long time. I didn’t want my relationship status to hold me back from doing things I wanted to do, so I became comfortable doing things on my own. I am acutely aware that there is a BIG difference in being alone and being lonely. The loneliest times of my life were spent in the company of other people.  I like my own company. What can I say, I’m a peach.  I like being able to go at my own speed, I like stopping to take 800 pictures of a feather on a park bench without worrying that someone else is bored. I like eating where I want.  I like spending 45 minutes in front of a painting that moves me.

Please don’t get me wrong.  I LOVE traveling with my husband.  SO much so it was hard for me to pick a vacation destination to go on my own because I everything I looked at I thought “oh that’s cool, I would love to do that with Gil!”  That is why we are planning a second trip, to a different location, for the two of us.

 

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On top of everything I got a belated birthday card and gift from a dear friend today. It was very unexpected and VERY appreciated.

January 3rd – Farewell to Forty

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I truly had the most incredible year. Forty was absolutely a gift, probably the greatest year of my adult life. Today, the last day of my 40th year was a perfect reflection of the whole year. I pushed myself to do something outside my comfort zone and was incredibly proud at my success.  I napped away Sunday afternoon snuggled in bed with my three lovebot kitties. I enjoyed a beautiful meal with friends I love dearly. I feel this is a perfect end to a perfect year, a year in which a grew and changed and yet somehow became more solidly myself. I hope I have handled myself with humility and humour and I hope that forty one is just another great adventure.

 

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I started driving about 4.5 years ago but have never been able to get the courage to drive in the snow. It’s difficult because I live in a part of the world where snow is just  fact of life, winter can last 5-6 month. Today my husband was tired (and possibly still drunk) so I volunteered to drive, then I looked outside. Yeah it was snowing but a wanted to keep my word. There were times where the road was covered and the visibility was not great but I took a deep breath and  drove all the way home calm and relaxed. I am so proud!

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Dinner tonight with Louis and Natalie at Piatto. Some of my favorite food. Loads of great Italian red, lots of espresso,deep belly laughs and people I love. Perfecto!

25 Things – Ironic? Well not exactly.

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If you are reading for the first time and the subject of this post alarms you, or if you just need a reminder here is a quick synopsis from my favorite blogger Jess – The Militant Baker!

“25 Things Fat People Shouldn’t Do is an unabashed middle finger to the preposterous idea that any human who weighs more than the status quo does not deserve to live a full and well rounded (ahem) life. The list of 25 is composed word for word from direct lists of sheer assholery found on the internet. These range from the absurd to the profoundly shameful, and I will be disproving this offensive notion with style. Feel free to join in on the fun, and if you do, link at the bottom so I can share. May the Chub Club live long and prosper!”

The List 

  1. Do a cannonball
  2. Swing at the park
  3. Wear a bikini
  4. Drive
  5. Wear animal print
  6. Eat in public
  7. Wear shirts with glitter
  8. Ride a scooter
  9. Make art of themselves
  10. Shimmy
  11. Jump in an elevator
  12. Be straight
  13. Wear an ironic t-shirt
  14. Go to the movies
  15. Walk through a doorway
  16. Roll down a hill
  17. Run
  18. Go to bars
  19. fly in an airplane
  20. Sit on anything plastic
  21. Dance
  22. Wear a mumu
  23. Sit at a booth
  24. Ride a bike
  25. Live.

Ironic happening in the opposite way to what is expected, and typically causing wry amusement because of this.

I have to tell you that I struggled with finding an ironic shirt. I am not even sure what an ironic shirt should say so instead I went out and found me a shirt that I hope says “Screw that haters I love myself anyway!!”

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I wore my shirt with joy and pride as my hubby and I were out and about today. I wore it to get coffee, to watch #HFXJugger and to get groceries. I noticed a few looks but mostly people wanted to know where the could get their own. Here by the way, along with loads of other cute ones.

What I am Reading – A stroll down memory lane on Shampoo Planet

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When I love a book, I mean really love it I don’t just read it, I assimilate it. It becomes a part of me, the characters become my friends, my people. These characters, Tyler, Daisy, Jasmine, Anna-Louise, they became my friends back in 1993 (if you can believe the note scrawled inside the front cover, which I do, ’cause I wrote it and I am pretty trust worthy). I have owned this book for more than half my life, I have read it more times that I can count. I have my original copy and it is tattered and the pages are falling out. There are notes on just about every page, notes about the characters, notes about the people I love, notes about my fears for the future. This book helped to shape my world view, it influenced what I read, what I wrote, even my vocabulary. At the time of my first read I was only a few years younger than the protagonist, and I related to EVERYTHING, it was all amazing and relevant.

I haven’t read the book in a few years so I thought it was time for a re-read. Coupland’s writing is still spectacular. He totally inspires me to write myself. I love his imagery, his use or colour and texture and light. I love his sense of humour, especially when it is subtle and piercing at the same time. I love his creative verve.

HOWEVER… in the time that has passes since my last read I a lot has changed about me. I am coming to the material as a very different person. I am reading through 20 years worth of experience as a filter.  From pretty much the first page I knew I was reading a young persons story. I was reading a about coming of age, pushing out, finding out who you are, leaving home, first love, first adventure. Honestly I could not relate to the characters AT ALL. Well that’s not entirely true, I related to Jasmine,  the wise cracking, hippie “You’ll understand when you are older” mom. She made total sense to me. The “youngsters” were so… callow.  Not that they were written with out depth, but that they as humans (albeit fictional humans) had not developed any depth yet. Their desires were, young, naive and vain.  I wanted to take them and shake them. But really the reading just dredged up a lot of feelings about myself at the same age. I was all of those things and more. Not that I would change anything that got be here but reading the notes in the margin, trying to find the version of myself that related so thoroughly to these characters I couldn’t help but think “Can I have a time machine to go back and shake ME?”

So I am glad I took the time to reread. I am happy in a melancholy kind of way for the stroll down memory lane. the book is staying out of the donation bag and on the shelf because it is part of me, part of my history, my tapestry. I imagine it will stay there unread for a pretty long time, a reminder of who I was, where I came from and the path I took to who I am now, until the next time I need reminding.

25 Things Fat People Shouldn’t Do – My Militant Baker List

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Back in October 2013 I told you about one of my favorite bloggers, Jess – The Militant Baker!  This list is something that MB came across online one day, listing things that fat people should not do.  I can’t do justice to Jes’ response to the list so I am going to let her do the talking…

“25 Things Fat People Shouldn’t Do is an unabashed middle finger to the preposterous idea that any human who weighs more than the status quo does not deserve to live a full and well rounded (ahem) life. The list of 25 is composed word for word from direct lists of sheer assholery found on the internet. These range from the absurd to the profoundly shameful, and I will be disproving this offensive notion with style. Feel free to join in on the fun, and if you do, link at the bottom so I can share. May the Chub Club live long and prosper!”

I started the list back then but only managed to knock one thing off before my attention span kicked it. However  “The List” made it on my New Year’s Manifesto so I am jumping back in!

The List 

  1. Do a cannonball
  2. Swing at the park
  3. Wear a bikini
  4. Drive
  5. Wear animal print
  6. Eat in public
  7. Wear shirts with glitter
  8. Ride a scooter
  9. Make art of themselves
  10. Shimmy
  11. Jump in an elevator
  12. Be straight
  13. Wear an ironic t-shirt
  14. Go to the movies
  15. Walk through a doorway
  16. Roll down a hill
  17. Run
  18. Go to bars
  19. fly in an airplane
  20. Sit on anything plastic
  21. Dance
  22. Wear a mumu
  23. Sit at a booth
  24. Ride a bike
  25. Live.

Tonight with the aid of my lovely assistant and husband I struck off #6 – Eat in Public

While many things on the list seem silly and frivolous many of them actually strike a chord with me, and probably a lot of other overweight people. On insecure days eating in public can actually be hard because you imagine people staring at you thinking rude things like “Yeah no wonder is so fat, look at her eating that burger!” or “Salad? Please, who is she trying to kid?” But you can’t let those voice in your head control you otherwise the losers who made that list, they win. And frankly I really don’t want those fuckers to win!

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So here I am eating my spicy chicken and baked potato, puffy vest and all.

Watch this space because me and my fine self will be making much more mischief in the weeks and months to come! Thanks Jess!!!

The Forty Files – Week 2

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Up until 17 hours ago I had such an awesome second week so I am going to choose to focus on how great things are going.

First things, I have all but cut out diet coke.  I haven’t purchased any since my birthday. I have had a few when I am out for lunch and I just didn’t like it as much. I have been drinking a lot more water, juice, tea and a bit more coffee ’cause I do miss the caffeine.

I got some great work done on getting the house more organized.  There are MILES to go but in this case I am taking every tiny step as a victory. My house is never going to be Good House Keeping/Pinterest perfect but it is our HOME and it should reflect who we are and our values and in the end that is my goal.

I can count photo posts and flossing in this weeks victories too! On Thursday night I was all tucked in bed and ready to turn in for the night when I realized I hadn’t flossed that day. I actually had to get up and go do it because it bothered me so much.

I have some great stuff in the works and I will keep filling you in but right now the food poisoning/flu, whatever the hell this evil bug is seems to be currently kicking my ass. Peace out homies.

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